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Chaos Restrained

Right so my mother is going to have a heart attack if she is reading this. Sorry Mom, just remember I’ve always been a rebel. Luckily I usually have a cause though. So yeah, I decided when I started this whole journey that I’d reward myself along the way with some commemorative tattoos.  My mother’s heart just dropped, I feel sort of bad, it’s going to get worse when she reads where I’m getting it, but she’ll live, she just has to remember this is my life, my body and I get to do what I want to it.

I’d been thinking about what I would do for my 100lbs Tattoo. 100lbs is a big deal, the Century Club, it’s a milestone, and yet, my body is changing so fast and going to keep changing, that I have to consider where I put something right now, and making sure that it’s going to look good later still. That’s important to me. So I decided to go with a spot that really won’t see a lot of change; the back of my neck.

I’ve wanted a chaos symbol tattooed on the back of my neck for years now. Ever since I got the nickname “Pandora” and it stuck and became what everyone that really knows me calls me, I’ve had an affinity for the chaos symbol.  There is a great story behind how and why I got the nickname to begin with, I might share it someday who knows, but when I started thinking about what tattoo I wanted to commemorate my first 100lbs the chaos symbol came to mind.

When you think about it, it sort of makes sense. My weight, food, all of these things have been a part of the Chaos I’d let my life and my heath become. The out of control weight, the out of control blood sugars, everything about my life in regards to food and weight was chaotic and uninhibited, and now, 107lbs later, I finally feel like I’ve begun to get a handle on the chaos, begun to restrain it and begun to understand that when it comes to what is being put in my mouth, what I am eating, and what I am doing for my body, vitamins, exercise, that really, I can’t allow that sort of chaos anymore. When it comes to my eating, my weight and my healthy, I need to practice self control, discipline and self moderation. That doesn’t mean I have to be that way about everything, there is a big part of me that fights against being a self controlled, inhibited, and premeditated individual. But I’m discovering that I can still be that person in different ways that do not affect my overall healthy in a negative manner.

I don’t have to be wild and uncalculated when it comes to food and health and exercise, I can still love recklessly, I can still be unpredictable and spontaneous with my friends, I can still fight against being normal, and none of those things have to include food, in fact they never should have to begin with.

It’s so easy for us to learn to involve food in everything we do. Going out on a date? Let’s go to dinner. Socializing with friends? Let’s go out drinking, let’s watch movies and eat pizza and popcorn. Do you ever wonder why we do that? I do. I wonder why instead of sitting on the couch cuddling with someone and keeping our hands and mouths busy with affectionate things, I chose to sit on a couch next to someone and stuff my face full of popcorn, candy, soda pop, and whatever else I could shovel in. I wonder why instead of suggesting Tea or Coffee and sitting an enjoying the company of my friends, I chose say hey let’s go to the all you can eat buffet and eat all night. I wonder why “rewarding” myself always meant eating something bad for me or something loaded with calories. Why didn’t I reward myself with a new book, or a new pair of shoes, or a new shade of lipstick, a new blouse?

But I’m learning, or should I say re-learning all these things. I’m re-learning that I don’t need food as my best friend, my confidant, or my lover. I’m re-learning that I don’t need to involve food in everything I do. I’m learning to look at food differently, and to look at people differently, and to look at me differently, and each time I define these changes in my life, I’ve taken a little bit of the chaos out of it.

I’ll always be that sort of chaotic girl, I’ll always be a little confused especially when it comes to health, exercise, fitness, nutrition, and my relationship with food, or more appropriately, my lack thereof, but I’m ok with that, so long as I come out of it on the right side, and I have hope and faith in myself that I will.

Chaos Restrained. That’s my theme. For life, for my tattoo, and for my relationship with food.

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Author: Pandora Williams

Author of Desperately Seeking Slender

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