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A Stranger in my Own World

I think I have reached the end of my proverbial rope. Nobody seems to get it or understand it and for the first time in my life, ever, I am looking at the people around me that have been my support system all the way through this and I’m starting to ask myself if we’re just in totally different places in our lives right now or what happened, but my relationships, with everyone right now seem emotionally vacant.

I feel like I make the things I want, or the things I need pretty abundantly clear. I feel like I communicate well my wants, desires and at times, fears and concerns and there have been a lot of those late, fears and concerns. Suddenly I feel like the end is near,  just one more big surgery ahead of me, the only thing holding me back from moving forward at least, with my new career is the heal time for that surgery and actually studying for and taking the ISSA Certification. Well paying for that is an issue too, but I won’t complain about that too much, money is a soft spot for me right now, too many people asking me for it when I don’t have it, and if I’m being 100% honest, which I have promised to do in this blog, right now money is something I’m very angry about. I won’t get into the how’s or whys of it all, I’ll just say that my Father and Tom taught me two big lessons in life… never lend anyone money unless you can afford to do it and unless your look at it with the expectation of never getting it back and right now, it’s really sad when money and finances start ruining relationships, but it happens, a lot.

My birthday is in four days. Birthdays have always been a big deal to me, a celebration of the day you were born, having been raised in the religious background that I was, we didn’t celebrate birthdays, and I never had a birthday party or birthday presents from the time I was five until I left home and left that religion behind as well. But because I feel I missed out on so much as a kid holidays have always been extremely important to me, a lot of them anyways. There are some I find just stupid, but for the most part, Valentine’s Day, my Birthday, Halloween and Christmas are my big four, they are the ones that matter to me, although, most the time in the last few years they end up being a huge disappointment.  I’m spoiled, I won’t lie, I like nice gifts and such, and this year as I turn thirty six, it seems there’s only a handful of people that even care. Jason and Heather will do something small that fits within our means, my Mom will send something she made and Tom will of course make sure the day is remembered, but that’s about it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I expect big presents or anything, for me it’s about paying attention to what is important to me, and I feel like a lot of people are missing that boat right now. I feel like when it comes to the things that are most important to me right now, everyone is sort not paying attention and not listening. I’m the type of girl that is happy with a teddy bear and a birthday card, a piece of cheap jewelry and a love letter. But right now more than anything I just want everyone to be paying attention to the things I am saying I want or need and trying to help me get them.

Maybe it’s me, maybe I’m changing too much or have changed too much, I don’t know, I know the things I want are much different. I want a healthy active life that’s not lived in front of the computer or television, I want a house that feels like a home, with people doing things together, talking, and being happy, social and most importantly, healthy. I want to spend time together as a family, as a couple, as friends, and walk away feeling close, fulfilled and happy, not frustrated, angry and somehow to blame for everything that’s not going right at the time.

I want to not feel like a burden to the people that promised to help take care of me right now. I want to not feel angry at them for the fact that I do feel that way. I want to not wake up first thing in the morning to negativity and grumpiness, I want to not see that put off look on someone’s face when you’re actually trying to sit down and talk to them about something.

I believe that we have holes in us, voids and vacancies that for some reason we need filled and I definitely feel like I’ve found a lot of my own holes lately. I’ve realized that I’ve spent a good deal of time in the last year trying to fill those holes with relationships with people that didn’t work out, trying to reach back out and reconnect to my Family after my Father passed away only got me really hurt in the end. Instead now I find myself clinging to other relationships that I know have stood the test of time and with people that I know have been there for me through good and bad. I’ve been reaching out to my BFF Tora more, trying to reestablish the closeness that we had before both of our lives became consumed with weight loss and babies. I’ve been talking to Tom a lot more again, turning to him, talking to him, getting advice from him. This of course always makes me feel better unless we’re talking about politics then I feel like I need a drink.

I feel like my life is full of strangers right now. Maybe I’m the stranger. Maybe I’m so different that it’s me that doesn’t fit the mold anymore. I’m not sure. There are times this journey gets confusing as hell. In fact I’m convinced that’s why most gastric bypass patient’s stop writing and sharing their journey once they get a year or so in and have lost he majority of their weight. Because once the weight is gone and you’ve taken down one of the biggest walls you’ve ever put up in your entire life, you’re left stripped down, you’re faced with finding new coping mechanisms, and suddenly you’re a different person and you want different things. I’m not happy with computer games, video games, and the couch potato lifestyle.

The thing I have to remember, is that I can’t change who people are or what they want, the problem with that is that once you decide to take a moment of your life and actually focus on you, you start to realize that the people that are not on board to do the things you want with you start to get left behind and there is a distance you feel that can’t really be explained or defined.

For most of my life I have felt out of place and different because of my weight, my addiction to food and my lifestyle. It’s scary to me that I sometimes feel that same way in my life today, only from the reverse. I feel out of place and different because I can do more, I want to do more and I want everyone else to do more with me.

I’d rather spend my time in front of the computer working on this site, blogging, participating in WLS Forums, helping people whose lives I know I can touch. But pretty soon that’s not going to be enough for me, when these surgeries are done I want to go, I want to go hard, and I want to move, live and experience as much as I can. Yoga, speed cycling, kick boxing, hiking, river rafting, I want to ride bikes, I want to go on picnics, walks, and do things together that make me feel like I’m in a relationship with another person. Go see movies, walk the mall, go to the zoo, a museum, farmers market, something, anything, but I need more than the computer, TV, video consoles and ipad are going to offer me at this point.

The saddest part of it all is that the more I change, the more I start to resent the people around me for not changing with me. Resentment is a horrible thing, and like some people can hold a grudge, resentment is my character flaw. I resent the hell out of things and I say nothing, normally to avoid drama or a fight, and that resentment just compiles and compiles until there is so much there that it’s hard for me to see past it anymore. It’s why I have the dysfunctional relationship with my Mother that I have, because I resent so many things that she did to me as a kid and I just always kept my mouth shut and looked towards the light at the end of the tunnel. The problem with that is once you get into the light, and you look back into the darkness, it’s hard to ever go back to something you resent so much.

The two things I’m most afraid of, resentment and being alone seemed to be the two things I’ve had to face most. Most people who are as big as I was, settle. They take what they can get emotionally from people because they believe they are unlovable and unworthy of being loved. For the first time in my life I believe that I am worthy of being treated like the amazing woman that I know I am, for the first time in my life I feel like I’m taking back my life from a bunch of people that robbed me of it in my youth and I’m starting to get scared as I get closer to the end that I’ve become some much a stranger in my own life that I don’t belong in it anymore. The girl that was happy with that life is gone now.

Don’t let anyone tell you that Gastric Bypass Surgery, Extreme Weight Loss, or anything else like that is a quick fix or that it’s easy. Getting the weight off is only part of the challenges and changes you face when you decide to take this journey. But when you start fixing one thing, it starts becoming way more apparent what else is broken and when it starts to involve more than just you, but your relationships with other people, it becomes a lot more complicated.

I’m 22 months out of Gastric Bypass, I’ve done 2 of 4 reconstructive surgeries to get my body back, I’ve lost to date 260lbs, I’m 10lbs away from my goal weight, I have two more surgeries to go, and I’ve managed to come out of ahead of one of the hardest battles I’ve ever fought, the one against my weight. You’d think I’d be happy, instead, I feel like a stranger in my own body and my own world. Now what?

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One Response to A Stranger in my Own World

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  • Tora says:

    No matter what, you are loved. Maybe you should come down to see me sooner than later 😉

    I may not always understand everything or be able to talk at that moment (2 year olds…. ) I promise to do my best to be there for you always

    Love you!

Page 1 of 11

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About (Pandora) The Author

Author of Desperately Seeking Slender
Jaime "Pandora" Williams

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