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Diary of a WLS Junkie!

The daily thoughts, ramblings, trials and tribulations of the journey to weight loss surgery.

Its not Masturbation its exploratory

femaleformYes, yes, I am touching myself.

Seriously, it sounds horrible, it really does, of course I worded it that way intentionally to get a laugh out of you, but the truth is, it is NOT that far off.

If you are the type of person that is going to have an issue with the fact that I am opening discussing my private parts, masturbation and body image I highly suggest you stop reading this particular blog post, you won’t like it much, but come back, I’ll go back to the usual post Bariatric topics of flatulence, bowel movements and food issues soon enough I promise.

Okay so imagine this for me for a second. You have been overweight since the sixth grade. Morbidly obese most your life, you’ve lost 260 lb and you’ve had three bouts of reconstructive plastic surgery to get your body closer to what it might have been like if you had not battled this disease we call obesity. However, you have won the fight; your obesity is in remission, as long as you do not fall back into unhealthy behaviors. Your entire body is new to you. It’s been cut in just about every which way possible, you’ve got scars under your breasts, around your nipples, from armpit to elbow, from armpit to hip, from groin to knee and all the way around your body at your bikini line. Everything feels different from how it did before, your body is foreign to you and you have numbness in strange places all over your body where the feeling hasn’t quite returned yet. kissingJordan

Okay now let’s talk boobs. We all have them. Before my surgery mine touched the floor. OK not quite but they hung to my waist for sure.  I can’t remember a time my breasts didn’t hang like that, for the first time ever I have hardly any under boob, I have perky breasts. And my nipples, seriously, night and day difference. Pre Reconstructive surgery I had inverted nipples that hardly ever came out of their shell of boobage, now I have these pert nipples that get hard all the time, it’s cold, it’s windy,  I took my sweatshirt off, I opened the refrigerator door. It’s constant and at first it was actually painful when it happened. That is where the touching thing started. When I told my plastic surgeon how painful it was when my nipples got hard she told me to work on de-sensitizing them by touching them.

Let me pause here and say that I am a very tactile person.  There is something I can’t explain that makes touch a more important sense to me than anything else. I remember as a child lying next to my Grandmother rubbing a scar on her arm that was softer than the rest of her skin over and over again. I’m the type of girl who loves to cuddle and touch and if I find a place on your body that is softer, a raised bump or something like that, I will just rub it constantly, back and forth with the pad of my finger. I’ve had partners that used to smack my hand away after I had rubbed the same spot for so long that it had driven them crazy. I’ve been called a “rubber” on more than one occasion. Even when I sucked my thumb I used to curl my index finger up and rub the tip of my nose over and over again for hours. I can’t explain it I’m a freak.

So I was told to touch my nipples to desensitize them. And I started doing it. Whenever they would start hurting I’d reach in, rub them, and try to warm them up, make them not so hard, and desensitize them. I must say it works. I have less reactive nipples months later. I also, appear to me fondling myself constantly.  I was sitting here at the computer today and suddenly I realized I had my hand down my tank top and was rubbing my left nipple back and forth just like I did to the tip of my nose when I sucked my thumb, just sitting there in thought, idly rubbing my left nipple with my right hand.

When I realized what I was doing I burst into laughter. All I could think of was… crap; I bet my household thinks I’m crazy because I’m constantly touching my body. But it’s all new to me and I am just learning it. I’m not masturbating, it’s not sexual, it’s… exploratory! I can squeeze my whole boob into my hand without having to lift it or anything! My stomach feels flat. I can feel bones and muscles I never felt under my skin before. I can see my muscles move when I do. I can feel them flexing if I have my hand on them as I move.

I’m learning my body and I’m a touch oriented individual. So apparently, reconstructive plastic surgery turned me into Al Bundy only instead of having my hands down my pants in a comfortable resting post I have them down my shirt. Now that I have realized this, I of course, I’m a little embarrassed about it. But then I thought, why should I be, I mean, how the hell do you learn your own body if you don’t touch it.

If I lost my sight this is exactly the way I would learn my body, and for me, seeing it in the mirror doesn’t work for that, not for me, that’s why I take pictures because I see the changes in myself more in photos than in the mirror. And that is why I touch myself and explore my new body with my hands. Because it FEELS different, my skin feels different on me, and my body doesn’t feel the way I expect it to when it is touched, so by touching it myself I am learning how my new body works and responds. I touch my boobs, I touch my sides, I touch my inner thighs, I caress my body where all my scars are on a regular basis.

So yes, I am touching myself.

Yes I am playing with my boobs and learning my body.

The only issue I really see with that is why someone isn’t else doing it for me. I jest. But only a little.

And for those of you that are really uncomfortable with the fact that I am talking about playing with my nipples and fondling my breasts in a Christopher Columbus fashion, well, let’s just pretend I am practicing self-breast-exams and call it good eh? DSSPostSig

WEGO Awards Finalist Cooper Institute Scholarship Recipient and Powell Pack Love

There are days when I really wish that the things that I had to share with you were more inspiring and less depressing; today is not one of them. ::Snicker::

I have such great news to share! So let’s go start at the beginning of the week and work my way down.

I had my 3-month post-operative reconstructive thigh lift follow-up appointment with Dr. O’Brien at the Waldorf Center and everything is healing well, I have the all clear to go ahead with the next stage of plastics when and if I decide to and, most importantly, I am cleared to run outside again! Until now I have been limited to a treadmill because they wanted me only running on absolutely level terrain.  I was getting a lot of questions about my scars the other day so I snapped a picture while I was in the doctor’s office. I’m very scar tolerant, so the scars don’t really bother me and I am hoping to tattoo over them, anyone know any REALLY good cover-up artists in the Portland, Dallas or LA area let me know, I am in all of those areas enough that they would be a doable place to find an artist.

Okay next up, back around December I think it was, I got a notification from WEGO Health that I had been nominated for one of their Health Activist Awards.  I had been nominated by a few of my peers for the Health Activist Awards – Best Kept Secret category. This week when they announced the finalists in each category, I had made the Finalists for that category. Please go check out their page, visit the pages of the other nominees and share some internet love in the form of Facebook Likes and Twitter Follows, WEGO Health Blog is all about Empowering Health Activists to help others and I am so honored to be one of the finalists among sites like,,, and Going through the list of Health Activists that they recognized it included Health Activists from all different backgrounds. People fighting against Cancer, HIV, Down Syndrome, Diabetes, MS, Lupus, Thyroid Disease, Arthritis. To be one of their selected Finalists representing the fight against Obesity in their nominations categories is such an honor to me I cannot even begin to tell you. To those that nominated me, thank you.

As if this honor wasn’t exciting enough, you all know me; Chris Powell is a personal hero of mine he has been for a couple of years now. His wife Heidi Powell, through my communications with them both on Facebook has become another of my favorite people and I adore them both. So when I have really exciting news, something I am really proud of, I instantly want to share it with them. So I headed over to their Facebook pages to share the my news. It once again made my day to have them both respond back to me.  Let me just say that I truly believe that Chris and Heidi Powell are two of the most compassionate and caring human beings I have ever had the pleasure of; I am at a loss for the right word here; knowing? Whether I ever actually get to meet them or not, they have become beacons of support in my life through their personal choices to communicate with me on Facebook.


HeidiPowellFBRn ChrisPowellFBRHeidiPowellFBR

I recently started re-reading Chris Powell’s book Choose to Lose. I had done so at the suggestion of Heidi Powell when she responded to a post I had written them asking for some guidance as to what exercises I should be doing outside of my cardio routine and she reminded me that Chris had some basic strength and toning exercises in the book that would be a good start. There is a part in Chris’s book that I really didn’t pay attention to the first time around when I read it; I was so focused on what I should be eating and what exercise I should be doing that I missed a lot of the mental and emotional aspects that the book discussed. I’ll be writing a review of the book when I am done and I will go into it a bit more. Chris talks about relationship dynamic during your weight loss journey and how important it is to identify some of the positive and negative characters in your personal support team. Chris defines “The Coach,” as the person who “Understands the hardships of the journey and gives guidance along the way.” This could not more accurately describe who Chris and Heidi Powell are to me. If I ever get the chance to meet them; I am going to give them both a big hug, and say “Thanks Coach,” and I will probably cry like a baby.

So in other news, you all know finances have me stressed out beyond compare right now. We won’t go into details, I will ramble on forever because it is on the forefront of my mind, but basically after the last two years of my WLS Journey my Family is a whopping $60,000 in debt and I am trying not to let us drown, while I still continue my personal WLS Journey, start a new career and continue to work in my current full-time job. In January I applied for the Susan J. Sterling Scholarship to the Cooper Institute in Dallas Texas where I am going to be going in June to take the Personal Trainer’s Education Course thanks to the generous $600 donation of one of my long time followers. They have several other courses that I could take while I am in Dallas; in fact, they have nearly 3.5 weeks of courses I could take. Well today I received the award letter congratulating me on being selected as the scholarship recipient. Right now the classes I want to take are going to cost me about $1325 on top of the PT Course that was already paid for and the exam itself costs $289. With this scholarship I have to come up with about $1100 by June to take all the courses that I can while I am there and hopefully pass the test and come home a Cooper Institute Certified Personal Trainer. \O/

My planned schedule right now would be:

Any WLS Friendly Companies out there that might be reading this, I’m looking for Sponsorship for my classes and I’m very loyal to the companies that support me. Just ask Northwest Fitness and Pacesetter Athletic; my local sponsors for exercise equipment and running shoes!

That is all the wonderful news I have for you all today. Time is moving so fast right now, HJ and I leave a week from Sunday for the Ohio / Washington DC Trip and from there my life is going nonstop until July. I’m excited to be sharing it all with you though, and even though the financial aspect of things has me freaking out on the inside, I am keeping it in check and remembering something very important.

“On your transformation journey, I can guarantee that you’ll encourage challenges of your own, such as financial difficulties, relationships problems, work worries or health issues. You’ll experience a wide range of emotions along the way: elations, anger, sadness, disappointment, frustration, you name it. Bottom line: expect trouble to happen because it will. The question is how will you react?” – Chris Powell “Choose to Lose”

Chris Powell has helped coach a lot of people. He’s helped 8 people each season through ABCs Extreme Make-over Weight Loss Edition, if you watch his show, there have been times he has helped people pack their stuff and move out of their houses because their weight loss journey took them there. He’s changed people’s lives through is book, and he and his wife have changed my life through social media and Facebook, through their involvement with me on Facebook I can honestly say I can call Chris Powell my “Coach” and part of me feels like I could call the Powell’s my friends. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for either one of them and the more I learn about them and the more I find we have in common, the closer I feel to them. I had no idea Chris and I were about the same age. I had no idea we had grown up in the same general area of California. I had no idea that Heidi had lost her father so close to the time that I had lost mine. I had no clue that Chris was horrible with finances and had lived in his car at one point. It is amazing to me how close I can feel to two people I have never met and how much they can affect my daily life, help me, coach me, and be a huge part of my support system through social media, Facebook and Twitter.

With Chris and Heidi’s help and guidance I am working on remembering that each obstacle life throws at me, every problem it puts in my way, and every harsh experience it gifts me with is an opportunity for me to learn, to become emotionally stronger and to gain self-confidence and self-integrity. Thanks to Chris’s words on a Facebook Post Response, I am working on remembering that I am not haunted or defined by my past, that my body is mine and that what I see in the mirror is mine and mine alone, it’s the body I made, it’s all of my accomplishments. Seeking Slender doesn’t stop when the scale hits a number you are content with; it’s an ongoing journey and you and I are about to embark on the next chapter of my story.

“Thanks Coach.”

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About (Pandora) The Author

Author of Desperately Seeking Slender
Jaime "Pandora" Williams

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