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An Overall Sadness

There are so many things I want to rant about today.

But let’s face it, there comes a time when the things we need to rant about are too personal to share on the internet. Not because I’m afraid to put it out there or ashamed of it or anything like that, but simply because the drama of me doing so isn’t worth it.

Let’s just say I don’t come from the most functional family. I don’t have a lot of family support and in the three going on four weeks now since I’ve been home from the hospital after my second of four reconstructive plastic surgeries; my Family hasn’t been a mecca of support. A falling out I had with one member of the Family has pretty much left me alienated from most of Family. Fights over money have dramatically hurt several of my relationships with the few members of the Family I still had a relationship with, and while I won’t air all the dirty laundry, the one thing I will say is that I made a conscious choice years ago to walk away and live my own life separate and outside of that Family. Losing my Father last year made me in a lot of ways, long to go back, it made me yearn for that Family that everyone else always has but I don’t, and really, someday I’m going to have to come to terms with the fact that life didn’t deal me those cards.

Life has a plan for us, I’m certain, each one of us is here for a reason, the universe has something in store for us, there is something, no matter how big or small that we are here to accomplish. I’ve never believed that I was supposed to accomplish having children, I never believed being a Mother was something I was made to do. It wasn’t in my natural chemistry,

There is a part of me, as I’ve faced death for the first time this year that asks myself what then my purpose is and I know that I’ve found the answer. My purpose is to see this through and to come out on the other side with the story, experience and wisdom to help others do it as well. That is what I have to focus on now, and as much as anyone may think that I should be doing something else, this is the coarse I am on, it’s the one that the most important people in my life are giving up things and making sacrifices for, and I’m at a point where I have to stop putting everyone else first.

For the last year and half since all this stuff started that sent me to LA I have put everyone else first, Jason, my Father, and my Mother, my Family, even at times Heather and my friends. Right now, for the first time I am putting me first, and I know it’s pissing a lot of people off and it’s enabling a lot of people to villainize me, but I know this is what I have to right now, there is point in everyone’s life when they have to learn they have to take care of themselves, it’s been a hard lesson for me this year, not being that submissive, timid women that would always give to everyone else at the cost of her own happiness.

There is a song that has resonated in my life over the last year and a half, I consider it my “Power Song”, meaning it’s a song that when I hear it, pushes me to push myself. It makes me want to go. This is the song I put on during a run that really makes my feet go, it’s usually a song I make sure I can switch too on a long segment when I might need  a little pick up. The song always takes me back to the first night I heard it, the 4th of July 2011 when I was running sprints around the block while a hospice nurse sat inside with my dying Father. I knew he would be leaving me soon and I needed him to know that even though I didn’t get to the end of my journey while he was with me, I would get there. I made a promise to my Dad that night while I was running that that would be our time together, when I was out running, and I’ve been running ever since.

The song is “Firework” by Katey Perry, I know, not really my style, but hey, have a listen and I sure you will understand why it is a song empowers you and in the end that is the most important thing that we take out of taking our lives back, the empowerment that we are in control of our own fate. Whether that comes back to you in the form of the food you put in your mouth or the exercise you do on the treadmill, if you can find that empowerment in your life change you will be successful. I’ll share the lyrics with you as well as a link to the Katy Perry Firework video on YouTube.

Me, I need to get some sleep so I can figure out what we’re doing tomorrow about this drain in my side that still hasn’t healed.

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About (Pandora) The Author

Author of Desperately Seeking Slender
Jaime "Pandora" Williams

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