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How Can I Help You To Say Goodbye

This isn’t going to be your usual WLS post. Unfortunately today I have something else to share with you.

Most days I am happy to stop and do anything I can to help someone along their journey. Most days I am happy to share my life experience with someone in order to try to make their journey a little easier than mine might have been. Usually I do so with an eagerness I can rarely explain to others. Today however, the journey I must share is one that fills the heart with an overwhelming sadness.

Yesterday as I ran the fastest 5k I have run to date, I listened to old country music as my Dad and I ( Yes I still speak to him when I run ) had a conversation where I sought the answers to one of the most complex questions I’ve ever posed to myself. Suddenly as I ran my second mile in under 12 minutes listening to old school country music I heard not only my question but as usual when I turn to my Father for guidance, the answer as well.

“Through the back window of a ’59 wagon
I watched my best friend Jaime slippin’ further away
I kept on waving ’till I couldn’t see her
And through my tears, I asked again why we couldn’t stay
Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain
Life’s about changing, nothing ever stays the same

And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It’s OK to hurt, and it’s OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?”

July 5th will be the two-year anniversary of my Father’s passing, one of the most horrible moments of my entire life. and here I am sitting on a plane as I go to help the best friend I have in the world, embark on the same journey.

Sometimes I’m a little surprised how much our lives parallel one another and as I watch my best friend struggle to find her way of  saying goodbye to her Mother, I’m saddened by how much Cancer has taken from her in such a short time. In a matter of days they have gone from stomach pain to the possibility of surgery that was pretty much a gastric bypass to cut the cancer out of her stomach to a six month to live prognosis to just a few days of in home hospice.

Every time she had a moment to catch her breath they cut the time she thought she had left in half on her. And when she asked me “How do you say goodbye if she does know she is going?” I had to take off on a run to try to find the answer for us both.

“Sitting with Mama alone in her bedroom
She opened her eyes, and then squeezed my hand
She said, I have to go now, my time here is over
And with her final word, she tried to help me understand
Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain
Life’s about changing, nothing ever stays the same
And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It’s OK to hurt, and it’s OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?”

We’re never prepared for something like this. It’s never the right time. For me; I had expected the call for years because I knew my Father was getting up there in age. ( He was almost 85 when he passed away ) .. but still the first thing I thought when the call came in and I hung up the phone was “This isn’t fair.”

It took me awhile to find my Father through exercise. To be able to get past the pain and hurt of him not being there for me and realize that he was still there in my heart and that he lives on through me as I share the lessons that he taught me with the world. But as I offered my dear friend the comfort that she too would find a way to still feel connected with her Mom, I realized how hard that is to have faith in right now.

I think of my two-year old Nephew and I wonder how I can ease the confusion he’ll experience when he realizes Grandma won’t be there to play with him or help take care of him anymore.

As my friend, her family, my chosen family and I begin this journey together today, I can’t help but think of how similar we all are. How many things we have all experienced and I am reminded of a lesson that a wise man once taught me…

In life we must understand that sometimes we have to reach out for help from those that are a little bit farther along in the journey than we are and let them show us the right path. My friend did that when she asked me to come to Dallas and help her with this journey. Other times, we need to know when to hold out our hand and reach out for someone who we know is a little bit behind us and try to help them.

This is the very reason that I devote so much of my time to helping other people with their weight loss journey and why I am focused on a career change as a personal trainer, to make sure that I am working on always reaching back to help others step forward.

Today I am reminded that we need to appreciate the present. Do what we can with it and make the best out of it, because we’re not guaranteed a tomorrow. Whether it’s kissing the person that you love,  saying “I love you” or getting out for that walk or run that you’re just not extremely motivated to do, you’ve got to enjoy what you’ve got and appreciate the people you have to share it with.

So Tora, my soul sister, when you read this. Please know that I love you, that I am sorry that our lives have paralleled here and that you are having to find a way to say good-bye to your mother. I’m not sure I can help you find the words to say good-bye, but I can hold your hand and comfort you while you do and I can share with you the experiences that I had so that you might learn from them and know what to expect.

I have no sage words for you that will help you find yours but I can tell you one thing, without any doubt, this isn’t good-bye, it’s the beginning of a different journey with your Mother, one where her presence with you is spiritual and you’re tasked with the oh so important job of making sure my nieces and nephews know their grandmother through you.

As for the rest of us, I think it’s important to remember that our weight loss is just another life journey, one that I want so badly to help you with. So as this heavy topic embraces my loved ones in its grasp I just feel the need to remind you all to live life loud, to love hard, and remember to appreciate the special moments. Be kind to each other and most important live today as if tomorrow is an uncertainty, because it is.

I’m planning on taking my niece and nephew for a walk tonight, after I get a little nap in. Exercise is an amazing way to process everything going on around you and a natural anti-depressant. Making sure my chosen Family utilizes that outlet is on the top of my to do list. Who wants to support us and get their fit on too?

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When Emerald Eye Monsters Rear Their Little Heads

As usual my friends over and Post Op and a Doc have posed a question that has me thinking this morning. As I started to respond I realized it was going to be long and decided it would be a good blog post to share with my readers.

This morning they posted the following quote from the movie “As Good As It Gets” (1997) on their Facebook page and asked what their fans thoughts were on the last line of the quote and how if it applied to their lives.

As Good As It Gets (1997)

Carol:   “OK, we all have these terrible stories to get over, and you—”

Melvin: “It’s not true. Some have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that’s their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you’re that p***ed that so many others had it good.”

IMG_2939I think the use of envy here instead of jealousy is important to note as jealous is reflective of a persons feelings towards another person while envy is reflective of a person’s feelings towards another person’s situation, advantages or accomplishments.

It’s like the other day when I admitted I envy Joan Rivers for having a venue that I do not have, and was disgusted by the was she used it. I am not jealous of Joan Rivers personally, I envy her situation because it is something I dream of having.

I think as with many things whether or not envy is an unhealthy mindset depends largely on what sort of attitude envy is displayed with.

I envy Joan Rivers, I wish I had the venue she has, I wish I was a famous personal trainer with my own weight loss oriented television show, I wish that millions and millions of people cared what I had to say and that I could use those things to help others in their weight loss journeys and evoke positive changes in the world where the fight against obesity is concerned.

I believe that is a positive and healthy example of envy. But envy can be unhealthy. In fact, envy can lead to some of the most malevolent, baleful and malicious behavior ever exhibited; probably one of the very reasons it is considered one of the seven deadly sins.

As someone who as this example suggests, “had it bad,” I can honestly say that there were times that I envied the hell out of people in an unhealthy way. Times I hated women that were skinny and beautiful because I felt like I was overweight and ugly. Times I recanted people who had amazing relationships with their Family and huge supportive families that gather together for holidays and special occasions and where there isn’t drama and discord and lies. There were times I looked at people who were absolute douche bags and seemed to have nothing really positive to offer the world and think, what made that woman deserve a rich husband that a little dog in a purse and a new Maserati and a perfect body because she can afford plastic surgery every other month.

I often blamed my lack of opportunity on being fat. Being super morbidly obese was my excuse for everything. If someone skipped me over, if I didn’t get a job, if someone treated me poorly, it was always because I was morbidly obese. I always believed that if I was skinny more doors would open up for me. But once I was slender, because I definitely don’t identify as skinny, but once I was slender, I started to realize that all those dreams I didn’t reach, wasn’t because I was overweight, it was because I didn’t try. I wanted to be an actress but I never did anything to pursue it. I wanted to be on Television, but I was too ashamed of my size to even try. It wasn’t necessarily that my situation was being hindered by other people’s perceptions and visions of me, but my own. My own self loathing and self-consciousness kept me from ever really trying to succeed at anything.

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When I was sixteen, the mother of my high school sweetheart, a grade school principal said to me, “You can hate the life that you were given or you can go build your own.” That’s sort of my view on envy now. ( It’s too bad we understand these lessons 20 years after we are taught them eh? ) If I look at someone’s situation and I envy in it an unhealthy way, I try to figure out what is missing in my life that is evoking those feelings and try to change it. I try to always have a goal that I am working on, something that I am trying to achieve.

I try not to resent the life I had and remember that every moment of pain and heartache has been part of my journey, part of what got me here today, and part of the experience that I apparently needed to find my inner strength, to hear my healthy voice and to be able to help motivate other people in their journeys.

There are still times that I find myself victim to that little green-eyed monster and there are times I experience envy and jealousy, but when I do, I try to remember that if I am focusing that much on someone else and their situation and it’s not because I’m trying to assist them in their weight loss journey, then I’ve lost sight of the goal and it’s time to SCAT … Stop. Collect myself. Access my situation and Take Charge of my emotions.

Speaking of Scatting… I think it’s time to get on with my day, the coffee cup is nearly empty and an outdoor run in a new city is high on my to-do list. I hope you all have a great day and…

Go get your Fitness on!

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About (Pandora) The Author

Author of Desperately Seeking Slender
Jaime "Pandora" Williams

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