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Sex Love and Obesity Part 2

Last week in the first part of this series, Sex Love and Obesity Part 1, we talked about how obesity affected my self-confidence and self-worth and affected the decisions I made in love sex and relationships prior to my marriage.

I told you that finally at 24 I had met the “Master” I had been searching for, lost the weight he asked me to lose to be with him and got married.

Today, we’re going to talk about how gaining and losing weight ruined my marriage.

There should have been a happy ending at the end of this story. There really should have been. I lost the weight that he wanted me to lose and was at an all-time low adult weight of 225 when he decided that we should get married.

The first few years of our marriage were amazing. Our sex life was fairly active, we frequented BDSM play parties, planned trips with other couples that shared our interests in alternative lifestyles and I was on an emotional high because I had gotten the “Master” that everyone wanted.

In any community you have the people who are natural leaders. The ones who are followed without ever trying to lead. My Master was one of those types. Other women fawned over him, everyone wanted his attention.

This should have boosted my self-confidence and made me feel special.

But it didn’t. It made me more and more insecure than I already was. I looked at the other women that coveted his attention, and when they didn’t get it, I was certain that they looked at us and thought, “why in the hell did he pick her?” Why wouldn’t they think that? I asked myself the exact same question daily.

About a month after we had gotten married I was diagnosed with endometriosis and underwent a partial hysterectomy to resolve the issue. We had discussed this medical decision at great lengths before we made it. We talked about the impact it might have on my weight and the stall it might cause in my weight loss while I recovered. We discussed how it would take away my ability to have children, a decision I am still not sure to this day that I was in the right state of mind to make at 24. Regardless of these two very big issues, we decided that it was the best thing for me to do.

At the time we were active. We went camping, hiking and fishing on a regular basis. I had started my own internet-based business working both as a phone sex operator and doing web design and graphics design for other adult oriented websites. The fact that he wasn’t working on a regular basis was the least of our problems with the kind of cash I was bringing in. Back then adult industry jobs paid well.

From the outside looking in, other women in our community envied me. I had the man who so many others had sought after and didn’t get, I had an at home job that supported our champagne taste lifestyle.

But I still had zero self-confidence and zero self-worth. Although I didn’t vocalize it, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I kept waiting for him to realize that he could have chosen someone way skinner or prettier than me. I kept holding my breath waiting for it to all fall apart.

My weight loss had come to a screeching halt.

The nearly three months that I had taken off to recover from my surgery, and the sudden take off my business created a situation where I was almost completely sedentary again. For the most part, I sat in front of a computer designing websites, editing graphics and answering the phone anytime in rang, and my phone rang a lot.

In the three years since I had started my business, it had gone from making about $1,500 a month to making anywhere between $6,000-$10,000 – I was one of the most well-known phone sex operators on the internet, dispatch companies contacted me daily trying to get me to work for them and I was turning down jobs left and right because I was already working 15+ hours a day.

Before too long it wasn’t just that the number on the scale wasn’t moving, it was going back up. It climbed slowly, 240, 250, 260 and though he kept telling me that my weight didn’t matter to him anymore, I didn’t believe him. My weight had been such a big issue in the beginning of our relationship, it was impossible for me to believe that it didn’t matter now. He kept trying to convince me that if I wanted to, I could lose the weight again, because I had before. But the scale kept climbing and as it did so did my anxiety and stress level that he would leave me for someone else.

2001-2010 Weight Progression

Stress, anxiety and resentment lead me right back to emotional eating.

Stress and anxiety alone can wreak havoc on your weight loss. But couple that with resentment and pair it up with an emotional eater and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. I was working from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed. Sometimes my phones were left on at night and I’d wake up to take calls. All I did was work, and all he did was sit around the house watching television and playing video games.

As a union sheet metal journeyman, he was in this last one in first one out circular pattern. The first year we were married he didn’t work at all. The second year there was a brief stint of about 6 months that he was gainfully employed. During that time, we had adjusted our life to our double household income, we moved into a rent to own house that elevated our rent, we bought him a fancy truck that had us taking on a double car payment. After all, with the sort of money we were making this was all doable. Only the next lay off came almost immediately and I spent the next year continuing to work my ass off to pay for everything.

I started resenting the fact that I was the one supporting us on a regular basis. I was angry that he was sitting around the house waiting for work while I was working over a hundred hours a week. But I couldn’t say anything. Remember, he was the Master, I was the slave. I wasn’t allowed to argue with him, I wasn’t allowed to speak in a way that could be offensive. I wasn’t allowed to express my overall displeasure with the fact that he was lazy. I wasn’t allowed to scream at the top of my lungs that it felt like I was being used as a sex industry worker to support him while he sat around and did nothing.

Since I couldn’t vocalize any of that. I ate.

Before I knew it, I had emotionally eaten my way back up to 300 lbs. I was upset with myself and still worried he would leave me for someone else when I discovered that all that time I thought he was playing games on the internet he was in a 3D world game environment where he was having cyber affairs and online relationships with other women.

Around this time a few things happened all at once. As the scale hit 320 I realized that things were out of control for me. I had become full-blown diabetic, and I had missed my best friend’s wedding where I was supposed to be the maid of honor because I was in the hospital with blood sugars in the 700s.

I started looking at trying to have bariatric surgery to fix it. But our insurance wasn’t covering it at the time and the $50,000 cash pay price on the surgery wasn’t anywhere near doable for us. This caused me even more resentment, because there was a point where I could have afforded that if I wasn’t tackling our finances on my own 75% of the time.

He continued to struggle to hold a job and had now developed a pain in his feet and legs that promoted doctors to prescribe him Vicodin. Our financial situation was in a constant down whirl spiral. I wasn’t making enough money to pay the bills anymore. To top it all off he kept lying to me about the affairs he was having online. Telling me he had ended them only for me to find out that he hadn’t.

I didn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I had pretty much reconciled myself to the fact that I was going to die from Obesity and if I was going to die from Obesity anyways I might as well just eat whatever the hell I wanted to before I went out.

I spent the better part of a year depression eating my way back to 420 lb.

Everything that was going on in our marriage had pretty much ended our sex life. I resented him so much at that point there was no desire left on my side of the equation. I buried myself in food and online vampire role-play games to keep myself occupied. I made sure that we slept at different times of the day to avoid being in bed with him.

I convinced myself that my re-gain was the reason that he was constantly cheating on me in the form of online affairs.

I convinced myself that the financial disaster we were in was my fault. I was certain that in a time of both economic crisis and technological advancement, my weight stopped me from moving that business to the next stage of technology and being a web cam girl instead of just a phone sex operator.

I still had absolutely zero self-confidence and still put absolutely no value in myself. Once again, I was convinced that losing the weight would fix everything, my love life, my marriage, my career.

And once again, I was horribly wrong.

Stay tuned next week for part three of this blog series.

Sex, Love and Obesity Part 3 – Why Losing Weight AGAIN Didn’t Fix My Marriage

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Pandora Williams author of Desperately Seeking Slender is an ISSA Certified Personal Trainer and Cooper Institute Approved Wellness Coach Trained in Weight Management Strategies. Her training and coaching services are offered exclusively through GoGirl Fitness Studio.

Turn Your Food Journal Into A Food Prep Tool

In last week’s blog, Food Journaling Adds Accountability and Success to Weight Loss we talked about your food journal, why it is important and how to get started with MyFitnessPal, the food journal that I recommend to my clients.

This week, I want to talk a little bit more about how your food journal can also be your food prep tool.

I cannot say this enough. Plan and prep, plan and prep, plan and prep.

Planning your meals and preparing everything you can ahead of time is one of the best offenses you have in the fight against obesity.

Using your food journal to log your food makes your mindful and accountable for what you are eating. It’s a great defensive strategy. But when it comes to trying to lose weight, being on the defensive side of the fight sometimes leaves you struggling to get the results you want.

It’s time to get on the offensive, which means don’t just follow the age old “If you bite it write it” adage. Start using your food journal to plan your offensive strategy. Use it to decide what is going to be on the grocery list and what you’re going to be preparing each day.

For right now. Forget about today. Instead open MyFitnessPal and from the homepage go to “Diary” and press that little arrow button that says “Tomorrow” and start planning. Pick the meal that requires the most preparation for you and decide what you’ll be having.

I personally always start with dinner. It’s the meal I must put the most thought and creativity into, especially if I am cooking for more than just myself. Today I’ve decided that tomorrow I am going to cook pork chops with green beans and a salad.

I bake my pork chops so no need to allow for any oils there; I steam my green beans and usually just throw some spray butter on them, so no need to count for oils there either. My salad on the other hand will have some fats.  I’ll be putting some balsamic vinaigrette on and probably some goat cheese. My salad will likely include mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, cucumber and radishes as those are the fresh veggies I usually have on hand already cut up in the fridge. Great, I’ve got that all in MyFitnessPal now.

I typically make a protein shake for lunch, it’s an easy prep and take to go with me way of getting my protein and energy in on my way to work. My protein shakes usually consist of 12oz of non-fat milk, a scoop of protein powder, a cup of frozen mixed fruit, a ¼ cup of Greek yogurt and about 4-6 ice cubes. Great I’ve got that all logged in for tomorrow in MyFitnessPal now.

Next, I’m going to add in my dailies. The things I typically do every single day. I drink a lot of coffee. Like a lot of coffee. I use about 2 tablespoons of fat free half and half in each cup which typically comes to about 8-10 tablespoons per day. I put that under “snacks” in my food journal.

Let’s take a break and talk about alerts.

MyFitnessPal has this neat feature. It alerts you when you go over your goals in your food selections. For example, with everything I just entered it altered me that my sugar goal for the day (a setting it decided not me) was to stay under 45 grams of sugar.

Sugars add up fast. I had 10 grams in my berries, 12 grams in my non-fat milk, 1.5 grams in my Greek yogurt, 2 grams in my protein powder, about 10 grams in my logged vegetables, and 2.4 grams my balsamic vinaigrette. Adding my Fat Free Half and Half 8 grams of sugar knocked me over that goal of staying under 45 grams of sugar each day. Clicking on each one of these foods in my food journal told me what the sugar content of each food was and allowed me to see where all those sugars were adding up on me.

Now if this is a big deal for me, and I really want to keep my sugar and thusly carbohydrate and calorie counts lower, I might move some things around. I might decide to use almond milk instead of non-fat milk in my protein shake. Almond milk is lower in sugar, but higher in fat than non-fat milk. That quick change, because I was planning my food ahead, got my sugar intake back under the 45-gram goal. I also got a feedback alert from MyFitnessPal letting me know that almond milk is high in calcium. Kudos to me for a good swap there.

Food Journal Screen ShotNow I need to plan for the meals I have a hard time with.

I hate breakfast. Don’t love eating it. So, breakfast must be something quick, painless and effortless for me. Tomorrow I think I’ll go for a couple hard-boiled eggs. Egg yolks can kick your fats and cholesterol up real fast though. I typically throw one of the yolks out to avoid those numbers getting high on me. When I added my eggs MyFitnessPal just told me that food was high in protein. Another good choice! See how easy this can be?

Time to plan my snacks. A quick glance at my nutrition stats in MyFitnessPal let’s me know I still need some more protein. I’ll throw a protein bar in there. I also need some more veggies; 3 ounces of baby carrots and 3 ounces of celery will help me get my veggies in and give me something crunchy to snack on in the middle of the day. Even with all that I still need more healthy carbs and protein, so I’ll throw on my typical greek yogurt for dessert, add an apple as a snack and add some brown rice to my dinner selections.

That gets my stats to: 1370 Calories for the day. My caloric goal is 1350 so I’m okay with that. My carbs are at 143 for the day, a little under my goals but it’s a single digit number so I am okay with that. My fats are 1 gram under, again I’m good with this and my protein is at walloping 115 grams, 14 grams over my goal. I’ll consider that a successful day very inline with my micronutrient needs.

Now I have tomorrow’s meal planning done. I know what to eat when, and if I change anything along the way during the day it will be easy for me to account for it and see how my changes affect my  day.

I typically plan my days out like this a week in advance. I try to have all my planning done by Thursday or Friday,  print out my days and make my grocery list for the week. Then I do all my grocery shopping on Saturday and any meal prepping I can do ahead of time on Sunday to get me all prepared for the week ahead of me.

Your software platform can make a difference.

It is probably worth noting that I tend use my desktop computer or laptop computer for my pre-planning as the view on the PC version of MyFitnessPal allows me to easily see my entire day at a glance and allows me to see the amount of carbs, fats and protein, sodium and sugar in each of my food selections all at once.

The app version on your phone makes you have to hunt these numbers down in different areas and can make the process a little more time-consuming. When I can see all the details at once it’s easy for me to see where I need to adjust if the numbers at the bottom aren’t where I want them to be.

I also do it because it this way because it allows me to put two different foods in at the same time and compare them to see which one is going to get me closer to where I want to be with my micronutrient goals. For example, when I wanted to get my sugar intake down for the day it was easy for me to see that switching out my non-fat milk for almond milk would help me.

Knowing how to use your food journal in both the mobile app and website version can be the difference between loving or hating your food journaling experience. Since using your food journal to plan ahead can be a big tool in your weight loss journey I hope this little guide helps make it easier and more pleasant for you.

If you have any questions about how I use MyFitnessPal to make my food journaling life as simple as possible don’t be afraid to leave a question in the comment section below. Otherwise, happy food logging.

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Pandora Williams author of Desperately Seeking Slender is an ISSA Certified Personal Trainer and Cooper Institute Approved Wellness Coach Trained in Weight Management Strategies. Her training and coaching services are offered exclusively through GoGirl Fitness Studio.
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Author: Pandora Williams

Author of Desperately Seeking Slender

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