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P!nk has me reminiscing

 

I hate it when I’m so easily distracted by something that I have to stop and write about it, but I just sort of think when the mood strikes you go with it.

 

It’s still Monday for me, even though it is really Tuesday it’s 2am and I haven’t slept yet, which is nothing new, I keep very strange hours being the night owl that I am, I imagine that will have to stop someday soon as most of my work is going to be during normal people hours instead of the nocturnal hours I like to keep.

 

So what’s on my mind tonight… P!nk. I know funny subject right? But her new album comes out tomorrow and I’m so excited to hear it I can’t wait. I find it sad how hard it is to actually get in contact with people that affect your life so greatly and be able to let them know. There are seriously three Famous people in the entire world that I can honestly say I would love to be able to give a great big hug to and say thank you. P!nk is one of them. This woman’s music has had such a huge impact on my life.

 

Four years ago I really didn’t even know who P!nk was or listen to her much. It wasn’t truly until I started exercising that she became a regular part of my play list after Heather had recommended I listen to her. The first P!nk song I ever listened to was “Funhouse” and it hit so close to home for me that it made me decide to listen to her other songs.

 

I don’t talk much about the time that my blog went inactive, I don’t share much what was going on at my life at that time because it was deeply personal and while I won’t go into serious details what I will say is that I didn’t have the most stellar childhood and I don’t have the most perfect relationship with my Mother, and that had a whole lot to do with why I spent the better part of my 20s in therapy and the better part of my 30s working on losing all the weight that I put on to mask the pain that was inside me.

 

When my blog experienced it’s blackout in January I had gone back to California, to a place I had ran away from at 16 and never really went back to face in any manner than breezing through town for a day or two.  My father had just had a stroke that had left him with some pretty serious dementia and we were unsure if he was going to make it or if he would perhaps need to be put in a home. I also discovered at that time that my Mother had become a Hoarder. She’ll hate me for saying that in a public space, but it’s not really a big secret, and since a large portion of my weight loss journey has included dealing with my Mother’s issues, I feel I am at liberty to discuss it. After all, it’s not like she’s been a pillar of support for me through all this. You expect as a child that your parents will always be there to take care of you. That is how it was with my Father; he was always there to take care of me, always worried about me, always wanting to know that I was okay. Not my Mother though, she’s more often than not the one that brings me to tears, turns my world upside down and twists me into an emotional frenzy that has those that truly love me trying to put me back together for weeks at a time.

 

The entire time I was in California dealing with what was going on there, P!nk was in my ears. Every day when I was cleaning up that house, at night when I was going to bed, whenever I left to go for a walk because I needed time away or just wanted the exercise, I was listening to P!nk and just finding that I associated so much with so many of her songs.

 

“There you go” reminded me so much of the marriage problems I was having at the time

 

“Don’t Let me Get me” reminded me so much of myself and my own tendency to self-destruct

 

“Family Portrait”  reminded me so much of my life and my childhood and my constant battles to get along with my Mother.

 

“Stupid Girls” made me not feel so bad for hating all those skinny girls in the gym

 

“So What” reminded me of Heather telling me I was a rockstar all the time.

 

“F**kin’ Perfect” reminded me that other people didn’t see me as harshly as I saw myself.

 

And when my Father died, and I started to run, I remember the night he was dying so clearly. It was the 4th of July, and a hospice nurse who I had talked a lot to because she had a gastric bypass several years ago and I wasn’t even a year out of mine yet sat with my Father so that I could go for a run. I’d only been running for a short time, a few weeks maybe, walking for 4 minutes running for 1, walking for 3 minutes running for 2, I put P!nk on my playlist and I hit the streets as the fireworks were going off knowing that it was going to be the last Holiday my Father was every with me for. I felt like I had failed him so badly that night. He had told me that he needed to know I was going to be okay and there was no way I had given that to him. I had lost over 200lbs but I still weighed about 220 and I still had a long way to go and I had wanted to get there before I lost him so bad. But I knew that it was my Father’s time to go, and I knew that he was hanging on because he wanted to know that my Mom and I were going to be okay. So I made a deal with my Father that night that I’d always talk to him and spend time with him when I was running. “Just like a Pill” was playing on the Ipod off P!nk’s Great Hits So Far Album. It’s a moment I will never forget. The song reminded me so much of the moment I had decided to leave home. I remember the shattered look on my Father’s face when I said good-bye.  But I knew as I did it that it was the only way I was ever going to get away from the fighting that went on between my Mother and I and I knew it was the only way I was going to ever get past the things that had happened to me though they were no fault of my Fathers, he was part of a life I needed to distance myself from.

 

“Run Just as fast as I can.

 

To the middle of nowhere

 

To the middle of my frustrated fears

 

And I swear you’re just like a pill

 

‘Stead of makin’ me better, you keep makin’ me ill

 

You keep makin’ me ill.”

 

 

 

To this day it is one of my favorite songs to run to and to this day P!nk dominates my play list though there are a few others that sneak in there on a regular basis. Katy Perry, Nickelback, and yes, still, NKOTB but none of that NKTOBSB crap! I was NOT a fan of them teaming up with the Backstreet Boys at all.

 

Anyways, P!nk should you ever read this, you are an amazing artist who has touched my life in more ways than you will ever know because your music gave me an outlet and something to focus on and relate to during one of the most sad and devastating times of my life as well as the inspiration and motivation that everyone needs in the ears at the gym or when they are out for a run. Your voice is one of my best friends and someday I really hope I’ll be able to give you a hug and say thank you. Until them I’ll be out there tomorrow buying your new album and seeing how many more of your songs tell stories about my life.

An Inspirational Internet Muse…

I need to start blogging again, why I haven’t been is irrelevant at this point, well not completely, but it is stuff I need to put behind me and get back to what I need to do. Shelly over at The World According to Eggface as usual found a way to motivate me without even realizing it! Another super snazzy give away and an extra chance to win if I blog about her contest, amazing that is all it took to get me to write here again eh?

I’m a big Fan of Celebrate Vitamins, and since it is all stuff I use anyways, getting a free package of vitamins could be a little extra money in the savings account towards the skin surgery I’m looking at come the first part of next year, hey every little bit helps. I’ve linked to Shelly’s site for ages, if you ask me she is hands down on of the most inspirational bloggers in the WLS community online. And she actually responds to stuff you write to her and say to her which is more than I can say for a lot of WLS Bloggers and Community “Leaders” I won’t mention by name.

So rather than talking about why I haven’t been posting, which I am sure I will at some point or another I just need to be in the right mood and the right frame of mind.  So, first we’re going to start back with the basics, today the basics are … head over to The World According to Eggface and enter Shelly’s Celebrate Vitamin give away contest!

As for where I am and how I am doing, I’m currently at 201lbs and trying to chase that infamous “Onderland” before my 12 month anniversary on October 19th – that’s my next goal. I met with the skin removal surgeon back in July and will see him again in January to reassess where I am and see where we think I need to be before we progress with body reconstruction surgery.  How I’m going to finance all that is absolutely beyond comprehension right now, and a huge stress factor in my life.

To add insult to injury I am still struggling to quit smoking again. I quite for 6 months prior to surgery and three months after, but my life since January has been one knockdown after another and having loss food as a coping mechanism I picked those cigarettes back up in a jiffy and now, it’s even harder to quit because I don’t have Chantix on my side.  For those wondering why, let me just say that taking Chantix after Gastric Bypass, was for me, worse than dumping syndrome. It caused me excruciating pain and discomfort and nausea for about 45 minutes after taking it, made me feel horrible and didn’t seem to work AT ALL. I’ve tried the patch, can’t chew gum, and yet again I have to quit to be eligible for both the skin removal surgery and the dental implant surgery that I want to get done…  the term “FML” comes to mind though I will be PC and not actually say it aloud, or in text.

I’m exercising. I’m still addicted to it, though I’ve had a lot of time “Off” dealing with what life has handed me in the last 10 months. For those that don’t know my Father had a stroke in January just a couple months after my surgery, and he was a HUGE, HUGE part of my reasons for deciding to change my life. I spent 3 months in California from January to March, with very little time in the Gym as I dealt with personal family issues and tried to make sure that what time my Father had left was the best I could make it. That time off, and all the changes going on in my life, sort of messed with my head a bit, I’ve got a lot to share with you are as far as co-addiction, addiction transferal and a lot to share with you about this overwhelming feeling of failure I experienced when my Father passed away before I could reach my goal weight, but that’s all for another time, when I can write about it all with the detail it deserves and not feel like I’m opening fresh wounds too early.

I plan on updating the Timeline and Weight Track Monitor in the next couple of days, and you all should see some more regular posts from me again.  I’ve got some other great stuff to tell you all about, but a little at a time to start so this doesn’t end up triggering me into an emotional roller coaster I’m not ready for.

Thanks Shelly, for getting me to write again, sometimes a little inspiration and an internet muse is all it takes, wish you lived closer, I’d love to take you out for a skinny latte!

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Author: Pandora Williams

Author of Desperately Seeking Slender

This is #MyBariLife

BariLife has decided to send me back to Paris to represent the WLS Community as I attempt to find my love of running again.
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