Social Networking

WLS Advocacy

Page 15 of 15« First...6789101112131415

Emotions Surfacing With Too Much Time to Think

Ok let’s get raw, after all, that is sort of what you are used to with me right? I’m one of those blunt, tell it like it is, call it like I see it girls that tend to rub people the wrong way if they don’t appreciate that sort of personality type. I am also one of the most supportive people you will ever meet and if you ever need someone fighting in your corner I am one of the people you know you can count on. I am also very real and very accountable when it comes to owning my own issues and calling myself on the carpet on my own behavior.

I am not always right, in fact, I am often wrong and I have admittedly made some pretty drastically bad financial decisions in the last 10 months. Some I regret, some I don’t, but they are stressing me out a lot and weighing heavy on my conscious as we approach the new year and a time of new budgets, resolutions, goals, and what have you. I’ve made decisions that have made me quickly second guess the path I was currently taking and wondering if I shouldn’t reassess the situation and come up with a plan B.

fight-4-a-dream

There is some added pressure in that I am the one that handles the finance in my household. Nobody else in the house ever has to worry about whether the bills are being paid, about what they are spending, they never have to worry if they can afford to pick up something to eat o the way home and they never really have to ask “Can I buy this?” – I’ve always been the one that does the budgeting, that pays the bills, that writes the checks, that robs Peter to pay Paul, that borrows from the savings, that opens that new account to juggle interest charges, that works on building our credit scores, that pays attention to when things are due. So in those times that my Family has ended up in a situation where we are in over our heads and we’ve bitten off more than we can chew, guess whose fault it is? Mine. All Mine, And when it happens, I am very good about beating myself up over it and making myself miserable over it. I am also really good and sacrificing anything extra for myself without anyone else knowing to try to make myself feel a little less guilty.

Now, it is from that place that my post the other day about Reality Sucking came from. I’ve put my Family in a situation where because of the decisions that we made as far as how to fund our portions of the cost of a year of reconstructive plastic surgery, how to compensate our income for the time off, how to deal with the financial stress that my side of the family was putting on us, and to buy ME a new car that would also serve as a car I would use for my future business plans later. Not to mention how to fund sending me on trips we felt were going to be huge emotional moments and open doors and show me the right path as far as the new career I am seeking out, as well as decisions to buy me certain things I need and wanted after massive weight loss, we’re in over our heads, money is now extremely tight again, and once more our dream of buying a house is slipping through our fingertips. That’s A LOT of weight on my shoulders. The ONLY person in my household that is upset about this situation is me. The only one blaming me, is me. The only one making me feel guilty, is me. But because I do feel all those things, I start instantly trying to get back to a situation where I feel like I can give more than I take or get, because that is just the kind of person I am.

So the plan, as it stands now, as my Family has agreed, is that I continue to spend the next year, focused on my weight loss and achieving my goal weight, focused on exercise, that I have one final session of reconstructive plastic surgery to fix little cosmetic issues like pleated skin on incision lines, a dog-eared incision ending and possibly if I decide to, an arm revision and breast implants. Studying for my Personal Trainers exam, taking my test and making sure that by the end of the year I am able to start working in that industry in one form or another. My goal, is to open my own company as an Independent Personal Trainer in July of next year. These are still my goals. However, there is also a big part of me, feeling guilty as I explained above, that feels that if I go through with this second year plan my Family and I started last year, that come the end of the year instead of having us closer to our long-term goals I will have us closer to bankruptcy

When I start feeling this way, I often have to examine my life, my goals and my plans and figure out an alternate path that I’m more comfortable with. My Family, choose with me, to invest three years of our life to getting me healthy, happy and to getting me into a job that I’d be happy doing. We took that on, and there were several people involved in the decision, from our household to that of my dear friends the Hatcher Family, to my Second Father, all discussing what we felt was best for me, and for all of us in the long run. When we started this, when we first made the decision for me to have the gastric bypass, we did it knowing that once we did it a snowball effect would start. We knew that I would be one of those people who HAD to have the excess skin removal surgeries, and at the time, we decided that it was what needed to happen if I was going to have any chance at living to grow old with my Family, or more truthfully, a chance of ever living at all. We quite honestly, went into this deciding that we’d be ok with never being able to buy a house, and that we would likely, when all was said and done end up nearly $120,000 in debt. ( We fully expected back when this started to end up having to cash pay for both my gastric bypass and my plastics and expected the total to be about this much ) We even made comments about looking at the bypass surgery like the downpayment on a house, and it being something we new we had to do to make sure I was still around at 60 or 70 to enjoy the life we were building. We made comments about looking at the cost of the Plastics to be like buying a fancy car, and how fixing my body would be more important to my Family than a nice car.

forgive-urself

Now you would think, with a Family that is that supportive, and with us getting so lucky with how our insurance coverage ended up playing out, that the fact that we came out of this at more like $60,000 deep, and more than 1/3 of that is wrapped up in an unexpected new car loan so really only about  $40,000 deep rather than what we expected would make me feel better, or more accomplished, or like I really did a great job or something. But it doesn’t. The fact that my Family can’t buy a house right now, when we really really want to, and when the economy is best suited for it, all because we’ve spent two years FIXING the me I broke by shoveling ridiculous amounts of food in my mouth makes me feel like an utter asshole, there isn’t any other way for me to say it. I feel like a big fat giant ball of stupid for the fact that my family has to suffer financially while I get my life back, because the only way I could find to cope with my feelings was by stuffing my face and blowing my body up to a point that it was permanent damaged, scared and unable to every shrink back to normal.  Ever seen one of those cartoons where the fat person is floating in the air and there is someone on the ground blowing them up with an air pump? That’s the vision in my head of what I did to myself, and now, everyone around me pays for it as they help me fix the most irresponsible behavior I ever exhibited in my life.

Once this sort of self loathing kicks in, my brain starts to panic and look for the quickest exit and the quickest “fix”.

That’s where I have been lately. In that space in my head where I am trying to find the fix to everything. The answer that solves all my problems and makes me feel a little less guilty. I’m not sure what the answer is yet, I’m not sure if it is a change of direction that is needed, heck I’m not even sure that it’s not completely mental. I may very well be at some stage of my emotional weight loss journey where I need to accept that it is ok for my Family and for me to love me enough to put ourselves so in debt to get me here and accept it, and know that in a few years, this too shall pass, and I’ll still be the happier healthier me that we did this all for.

I’m coming to all these realizations, that a lot of people take to be negative, when to me, really they aren’t negative, they are just, finally me seeing the difference between dreams and realistic goals. There was a time that I believed I would be dead before I was 40 and that wearing a pair of size 8 jeans or a bikini in public was about as realistic as me thinking I could ride in space shuttle or walk on the moon. There was a time when I believed that likelihood of me every running, let alone running miles was about as likely as me being a famous singer.

Lately my dreams have been of becoming something like The Ellen DeGeneres meets Chris Powell of the weight loss community. I have dreams of being on a show like The Biggest Loser or Extreme Make Over-Weight Loss Edition, only having it focus on not only people LOSING the weight, but on people LIVING after the weight loss, because that is the truly amazing, and most emotional part of the journey. And there was a part of me, there for a moment, that really started to believe that maybe if I tried hard enough, I could make that dream happen. Maybe if I contacted the right people, got the right person to notice me, pitched my idea to the right network, got on the right reality game show, that somehow I could make that happen, and that really big dream, became the one I was chasing for a moment instead of the more realistic one that I had when I started this whole process a year ago.

c00d9cfa50a711e29b9b22000a1f96c5_6I have a lot of internal struggles going on and quite a bit of guilt, and I am sure any therapist out there could tell me that this is all being amplified and brought into the forefront because I am sitting here in a recliner, recovering from plastic surgery, with way too much time on my hands to think about this stuff rather than being at my usual go-go work-work-out-work-work-out sort of pace and that three-week of heavy-duty pain killers have my emotions a bit raw. You think? But that’s what this blog is for, that’s what it’s always been about, and it’s these harsh realities and moments of feeling absolutely desperate that caused me to create this online space. So I’ll keep writing about them and I’ll keep sharing these moments as long as I keep experiencing them.

Today I weight 164 lb. and I still feel like I’m Desperately Seeking Slender, I’m just looking for it in places other than the scale these days.

DSSPostSig

Woman Emotionally Assaulted by PCP over having Gastric Bypass

I want to bring some attention to this story….

I am not usually the type to call someone out in public, it is not usually my style. But I have a friend in the WLS community whom I will not name at this time because I do not have her expressed permission to do so. But I got a note from her on Facebook today asking me to go read a post that she had written on a group I am not a member of. She was very upset, when I finally read the post I understood why.

“Not having a good today. I have been so upset and crying all day because I went to a new primary care doctor today (that my mom has seen for years), since I don’t have one and my GBS surgeon has moved to another state, and I could barely hold the tears back to get out of his office and to my car. I went to him today to talk to him about taking over my pain management care for the broken bone in my back and my post GBS care to do all of my yearly labs and treat my ulcer pain I am having once again because of a new muscle relaxer that my horrible pain management dr. has put me on. I have never been so hurt emotionally by a “physician” in all of my life! My whole visit was NOT about my health and my care. It was about him degrading me for needing pain management for the broken bone in my back and degrading me even more because I had GBS.  I am so hurt at that man! For someone who is supposed to be a physician and taking care of my health, he sure hurt me emotionally! Every problem I told him I have since my GBS, such as anemia, ulcers, dangerously high calcium deficiency, he mocked me and offered no help or solution. He disregarded my pain management and told me point blank that I had a dr, (which I told him I was not happy with and is why I was coming to him) and he would not get involved and that his office could have told me he does not do pain management if I had asked, which I did! I even asked his nurse point blank if he does pain management when she took me to the exam room AND it was also on my paperwork that I filled out and mailed in two weeks ago! Then proceeded to tell me that he was NOT a fan of GBS in a very nasty voice and that I had parts of my body cut on that were not the problem and I should have had emotional treatment instead of GBS for morbid obesity! I tried to reason with him for a few minutes and realized that it would get me nowhere, so I finally told him that I was thankful I had GBS because it literally saved my life and that I realize there are other underlying issues associated with morbid obesity, but some of the components are also genetic, and that I could argue with him all day, but it would probably not change his nor my opinion on the matter, and if he was to the point of being in a wheelchair, not able to walk, not able to drive, and wondered every time he went to sleep if he would wake up or leave his children without a dad due to sleep apnea and other co-morbidities, he would have made the choice I made too! I told him I am thankful that I am alive and I will be able to watch my grandbaby grow up!!! At that point, he stood up and sorta stomped his foot, as if to gesture our visit was over, and he handed me a prescription slip for an acid reducer, which I had bought over the counter at Dollar General last night and a high dose of steroid. When I told him I wanted Carafate to heal my ulcer, he stated that I just needed the antacid. I told him that I had bought the antacid at Dollar General last night and it does not CURE my ulcer once I get it, it’s only a preventative medicine BEFORE the ulcer forms, and he informed me that it was for the prescription strength of the antacid and he gave me a lab slip with $400 worth of labs ordered and walked out. I sat there for a few minutes wondering if I should even pay for this visit, which I did not really have the money for, but I decided that I was taught better than that and I got myself together and went to the checkout window and I paid the lady $100 and told her I would not be getting the labs done! I could barely talk to the lady because I was fighting back tears. I could have just walked out and not paid for that visit, what could they have done??? The door was right there, but I choice to do the thing that my conscious could live with. I think I will write this dr an informative letter and let me know exactly how I feel about the way he treated me and the things he said to me and how I felt after leaving his office. I am so upset…….I am on the verge of tears every time I think about the way I was treated today because I had to have GBS to save my life.”

I am absolutely appalled by the way this doctor treated this woman.

health-care-costs

Let me first say that my own Primary Care Doctor was not always a fan of weight loss surgery. In fact, when I told him that I had decided to do it, he let me know, very kindly that it wasn’t something he particularly believed in but that as always he would support my decisions and he understood why I was doing it. A year later when I weighted 195 lb. instead of 420 lb.. and he was no longer seeing me constantly, wasn’t having to prescribe insulin and diabetes medication, high blood pressure medication, water pills, potassium pills to go with them, muscle relaxers and Vicodin for the chronic back pain I was in his opinion drastically changed. In fact I just saw my PCP last Wednesday because he likes to see me two weeks after any plastic surgery I do now so that if there are any excess swelling issues like there were during my first set of plastics back in Feb he can address them. When I saw him last week he was joking around with me about how Bariatric Surgeons can cure diabetes and regular physicians can only treat it. He goes out of his way to help me in any way he can with my weight loss journey and constantly comments on how seeing me go through the process has dramatically changed his opinion on Bariatric Surgery. I will note as well that I was also his first patient to have any sort of weight loss surgery. He runs all my lab work for my yearly tests. THIS my friends is how a person SHOULD be treated by their Primary Care Doctor.

To the Doctor that treated my friend this way. And when I get your name and address I WILL publish it here on this blog and I WILL be writing a letter to you personally to make sure your attention is drawn to my blog specially so that you are well aware of how absolutely ashamed of your medical practice behavior I am. How dare you treat anyone in such a fashion let alone send a patient running from your office in tears because you have degraded her. No matter what your views are on obesity, bariatric surgery, or gastric bypass you have no right to emotionally assault a woman who has made the choice to undergo gastric bypass to get her life back. You took an oath to save lives and whether you like it or not, whether you support it or not, fact, statistics and numbers do not lie, Bariatric Surgery is saving lives.

6a00d83452408569e20120a6b78d2c970b-400wiI will be asking you to refund my friends $100 dollars, as there is no way that she should pay for the emotional trauma that you caused her and further more, I will be asking the online weight loss community to stand behind me in this pursuit for fairness. How dare you persecute and judge the people of our community for making decisions to save their lives.

While I do not believe that every physician has to support Bariatric Surgery, I do believe that no physical has the right to judge and mistreat any patient or discriminate against them or harass them for either their weight, BMI, or in this case, their selected method of fighting obesity and making sure that their weight and BMI allows them to live a happy healthier life.

Shame on you Doctor. Shame on you. And as soon as I have the information I need, I will be starting a petition against your behavior. For every person like you that will send someone out of your office in tears emotionally abusing them because of their decision to have Gastric Bypass surgery to save their lives, there is someone like ME that will stand up and fight for them. Allow me to introduce myself to you, I am Pandora, I also had a Gastric Bypass that saved my life and because of your emotionally abusive treatment of a woman in my community seeking health care, I’m about to be someone you get to know really well. Nice meeting you.

NOTE: My WLS friends, please post all your comments on this blog post so that this doctor will be able to see them when he is directed to this page. Thank you.

DSSPostSig

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Page 15 of 15« First...6789101112131415

Author: Pandora Williams

Author of Desperately Seeking Slender

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 4,667 other subscribers

DSS on Twitter

Follow Seeking Slender


Proud Member of the OAC

Grab My Button