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Why Weight Loss Surgery?

My friend Jessica at Bariatric Beginnings wrote a blog today called Why Weight Loss Surgery. It addresses the seemingly common occurrence of WLS patients being told that by having weight loss surgery they took the easy way out.  Jessica discusses the process to surgery, she explains that for many we are taking our lives back…  I’ve decided to elaborate a little bit…

IMG_2353Hi I am Pandora; I used to weigh 420 lbs.

The first time I can remember being abused I was 4 years old.

My Family was one of the paradigms for “dysfunctional family” – My real mom was 14 when she had me. She tried to kill me, gave me to her older sister to raise instead. I was molested by my then grandfather, who molested someone else in my family before me, and my entire family knew about it and my grandmother married him and they all let him have access to me knowing what a monster he was.  Several of my aunts and uncles where junkies, my mother was emotionally, physically and verbally abusive and by the time I was 14 I was trying to commit suicide on a regular basis because I was so tired of fighting to live.

I credit my High School sweetheart, a boy named Chris Hanna that will likely never see this, with the fact that I made it out. Him showing me that someone could love me, and that there was a chance that someday someone could love me that had a normal and healthy family that would accept me and that I could be a part of instead of mine and his mother Sandy, a high school principal that saw a girl drowning in her family and showed me that there was a way out, are probably the only reason I decided to stand up and take my life back from what had been done to me.

Food had been my coping skill in a childhood of misery. Some of my best childhood memories are of eating cereal in front of the TV alone in the morning watching cartoons and sneaking Dr. Pepper and Ding Dongs late at night.  But you know the first time I remember food being my friend. Was when I’d visit my grandmother’s house and after something horrible had happened to me, I’d get an ice cream cone or some money to walk to the corner and get a donut.

By the time I left home and got on my own I was over 200 lbs  Next I went through my abusive men cycle. First I picked a boy who convinced me I should do crystal meth to lose weight. After I saw the bottom, and I do mean the bottom of the meth head phase, I moved on to the next one; the physically abusive boyfriend. But you know, I was so full of my own self-loathing then that I didn’t really care if he abused me, I was so mentally ill at this point that I had turned to self-mutilation and some guy beating the piss out of me wasn’t such a bad thing in my head space. It took a hospital psychologist forcing me to see a therapist, to get me to my next phase, a diagnosis of Dissociative Identify Disorder.  It took me about 6 years of therapy, being put in hospitals over and over again, months and months of inpatient programs and a really damn good doctor, to get past this part.

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But food was still my only real friend and now I weighed 420lbs. So I decided to try to tackle it. I tried weight watchers, I tried Jenny Craig, and I tried Calorie Restrictive diets nothing worked. I’d lose some, gain it back, lose some gain it back and I was always hungry, I always felt my stomach growling and I never felt satisfied. I did Atkins, lost 195lbs, got married, went back to eating like a normal person, you know some carbs, and I gained it all back.

I chose to have gastric bypass surgery when my 83-year-old father came to me and told me that he was scared he would die without knowing that I would have a happy and healthy life. I decided to have gastric bypass when I realized that I was scared I was going to die before 40. I decided to have gastric bypass when I realized that because my family treated me so bad that food was where I found love and comfort, I had always used it that way, and really I was killing myself with food. I was still allowing what they had done to me to drag me down and stop me from living my life.

And once I made that decision I did all the things my friend Jennifer wrote about. I struggled with insurance I did all the pre-op requirements… and before I could even have my surgery I had to lose 70 lbs on my own so I was not a death risk. I did that. And for six weeks before my surgery I gave up food completely and drank only milk.

And let me tell you what I did AFTER my Gastric Bypass

I became an avid exerciser. I started to learn about food and nutrition since I had never been taught. I followed all the new super restrictive rules I had agreed to follow in return for a CHANCE that MAYBE I could lose the weight and keep it off and get a chance to live my life.

10152012 008And after I had lost the weight, then I stood there looking in the mirror and all I saw was all the skin that hung off me, made me look old, worn, ugly, and… abused. Yup, I saw all that skin as remnants of my abuse. It was like even still no matter how much I fought to overcome one thing there was something else there to told me back that I still tied to my abusers.

So I spent a year of my life dedicated to cutting it off.

For the first time in my life I look in the mirror and I feel GOOD about myself. I feel like I see ME for the first time instead of seeing a broken woman still trying to recover from being a broken little girl. And for the first time in my life, I won’t allow anyone else to break me.

There isn’t one thing about my life or any decision I have made that has been easy.

Why gastric bypass? Because I deserve to live my life as much as you deserve to live yours.

And if I ever hear someone actually say that gastric bypass is an easy way out…  I’m going to smile and… educate them.

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New Years Resolutions Goals Dreams and Wishes

It’s just a little after midnight and it’s New Year’s Eve, but it won’t be until this time tomorrow we are all celebrating.

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This time last year Dec. 31, 2011 I was baking a Sugar Free Sacre Torte for my Austrian Jewish “Second Father” Tom as he is one of those babies that just had to ruin his Mother’s New Year’s Eve Party by deciding to be born. I was also spending my first Holiday Season without my own Father still present in the world and that was rough.

This time two years ago, Dec 31, 2010 I was celebrating my first “Healthy Christmas” I had just lost my first 100 lb. and I was really excited about all of the first’s i was experiencing. I was also as usual, frustrated and insecure with my weight loss and stressing out as I compared myself to everyone else and went all OCD on my numbers on New Years.

Scale-165bThis year Dec 31, 2012 finds me at 165 lb. ( I am 15 lb. away from my “Goal Weight” ) I am also 4 weeks post op my third set of reconstructive plastic surgeries this year and have a bit of swelling still on board. I now have the addition of Heather in my life. She moved in towards the beginning of the year to be here to help me after my surgeries and is staying of course. This had a lot of big positive life moments for me in it and I will be sure to talk about a lot of them in my A Year in Reflect post next week, but tonight is about where I want to be this time next year and what I am going to do to get there. Tonight is about my New Years Resolutions, Goals, Dreams, and Wishes. You see, I think you have to approach each New Year with realistic resolutions, attainable goals, big dreams and wishes that might come true. You might not meet them all or achieve them all, but each one has a special place in your chosen path and decision-making in the year to come.

I like to do things in 5s so I have 5 spots on each of my list:

First up: Resolutions: Things I plan to change in 2013

  • 1. Wake up each day with a Positive Affirmation.
  • 2. Say “I love you” to someone I love every day.
  • 3. Pay off more bills than I rack up.
  • 4. Spend more time with my chosen Family.
  • 5. Work on my Body Dimorphic Issues

Now my Goals: Things I would really like to achieve in 2013

  • 1. Become a Certified Personal Trainer
  • 2. Open my own business as a Personal Trainer
  • 3. Save $3000 towards a down payment on a house.
  • 4. Work on getting everyone in the household’s Dental Work started.
  • 5. Get a Walk from Obesity happening in Portland/Vancouver area.

My Fitness & Medical Goals for 2013

  • 1. Take my Vitamins on a regular basis.
  • 2. Run a 5k, 10k, and Half Marathon
  • 3. Work on improving my foot health and dental health
  • 4. Finish up the final touches of Plastic Surgery ( Things my Insurance wouldn’t cover & Touch Ups )
  • 5. Reach and maintain a Normal BMI weight range ( 112- 150 )

My Dreams for 2013 – They are big you know, like too big to really be attainable without a miracle.

  • 1. Get my own Weight Loss Show on Television.
  • 2. Help Fund someone else’s Bariatric Surgery or Skin Removal Surgery
  • 3. Visit Walk Disney World
  • 4. Work with Chris & Heidi Powell
  • 5. Buy a House

My Wishes for 2013 

  • 1. I wish my friends and family would try to work on being more positive.
  • 2. I wish nobody in my life smoked cigarettes.
  • 3. I wish was happy with a “Healthy Weight” and not chasing an “Ideal Weight”
  • 4. I wish I could get all the Bariatric Surgery Centers in OR to let me work with their patients on Post OP Fitness.
  • 5. I wish I could meet Chris Powell, P!nk, Ellen DeGeneres and NKOTB

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We’ll see how many of these things I manage to do in 2013 this time next year. 🙂

Have you made you New Years Lists yet? Tell me what is on your lists, I’d love to hear!

Maybe if we have some of the same ones we can work on them together in some Desperately Seeking Slender Challenges or something 🙂

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Author: Pandora Williams

Author of Desperately Seeking Slender

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