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Emotional Weight Loss Journey

One of the Darkest Days of my Weight Loss Journey

I’m pretty sure I’m having a semi nervous break down or something equivalent to it in my weight loss journey. I’m sitting here trying to re-gather myself, panting for breath and sniffling uncontrollably with the hiccups after throwing myself on the bed and crying and sobbing in a way I can only recall doing the morning my father died and the first time a boy broke my heart.

Let me rewind for you a second and explain how I got here. As many of you know, I plan to go to Vegas, I got very excited about the whole free plastic surgery consult thing and this morning I was standing in front of the mirror thinking about the things I knew I still wanted to get fixed, and how I was actually planning on waiting another year or so to go forward anymore and give myself a break since it was all such little things when something caught my attention in the mirror. It looked like … hanging skin. On my abdomen, the one I’ve done two plastic surgeries on. Two surgeries that my insurance covered. I started examining myself in the mirror and leaned over and I nearly died as I saw a good two inches of skin fall down as I leaned over.

I closed my eyes at that point and I started trying to ground myself, but I was lost, the panic set in and I was off and running.

When can I schedule a surgery and still maintain my timeline for everything on my calendar between now and August? How would I do this and fit in trying to buy a house? My Family is already getting upset that all things WLS are overtaking my life and having to remind me that I need to step back and take time for my friends and family that are not WLS people. They were relieved to see the major part of this surgery over, can we make it through another major surgery? There has been times that its been a strain on us. Can I afford to do this? I have the room on credit cards we made sure of that all along the way, it would be available if I needed it. But if I did that, what would we live on? Because we ended up supplementing my income most the year with what we didn’t use of the plastic surgery loan so that we could pay the bills. I have to do this. There is no way I can’t do this….

Because the reason I am in this panic, is because this skin to me, represents the people who abused me. When I see it on my body it makes me feel like I am still being haunted by their abuse despite how far I try to get away from it.

If I chose to fix this it will mean my family giving up the shot at a house… for the third time, to give me what I need, first a car, then nearly 2/3 a year off work to have plastic surgery after plastic surgery because they knew how bad I needed to do this emotionally. How can I possible ask that of them. I can’t. I’ll have to wait. And waiting means living with this now everyday when I look in the mirror.

WLSPauseI’m a huge believer in the fact that we are ill prepared for the emotional whirlwind that life gives you after your weight loss journey starts to get you near your goal weight. I’ve made a promise to you all that I will share that journey with you no matter where it takes me, today is truly one of my darkest days.

It is going to take me a few days to get through this and find my center. It’s going to take me getting some sleep, getting up and running and talking to my Dad and sorting through how I will take on this emotional battle I have ahead of me. I’m in tears as I write this part because truly, until this morning I was in a much different place with this, I thought I had lost that haunted feeling when I came out of this last surgery.

I need to catch my breath. But I also need to share and to hear your thoughts and support. I’m hurting and scared and lost. I’ll find my way through though, you’ll see. I’ll be ok. I might be scared, but I am stronger than this too, I know this much for sure.

Related Conversations on Facebook:

“I think I might just be having a nervous breakdown.”

This post discussed on my Facebook Fan Page

“Chris, if you’re still hearing my voice, I could use a little pep talk. Please. ?”


My WLS Journey Pause Button

You know that button on your remote control that looks like this sort of like this || – it’s the pause button, and sometimes, right in the middle of a show that you really want to watch, you have to hit because life has something else in mind for you.

WLSPauseI find the same is true of my weight loss journey. Every once in a while you’ll see me use the = sign, when I do that, it’s my way of saying two things at once, first, it’s my pause button, but I also see it as a reminder that I must find balance in things.

I like to envision that when I hit my WLS Journey pause button it’s just like the one on the remote control, in freezes the screen shot in place and lets me do what I need to do and then come back to it.

Often times what I need to do is re-evaluate and re-assess the situation and for me that is so much easier if I picture it frozen in my head. I find that often times when something happens in my life it sort of whirlwinds, when things go well they lead to other things going well and seem to just gain power and momentum, and when things go back, then tend to roll down hill and get really bad really fast.

When this happens I press my pause button, I step back, and I analyze it and that is a lot easier for me to do when it’s not moving in any direction.  Achieving this sort stillness isn’t always easy though, life doesn’t just stop when you want it too, but what I have found is that when I push that pause button it means that I have to take steps to help myself achieve that stillness. For me, that means walking away from my computer, taking time away from my blog, taking a break from all of my social media interactions and just focusing on me and whatever I need to figure out.

Most recently I had to do this because my friends and family came to me and let me know that I was letting my WLS Journey consume all of my extra time and that they needed me to realize there are other important aspects of life as well.  They really worried about me rushing off to Dallas in just a couple of weeks to start taking my Personal Trainer Course and doing a lot working out and traveling when I’m still wearing compression pants after my thigh lift, am barely two weeks back in the gym and still dealing with quite a bit of swelling if I spend too much time sitting at my desk.

My friends were right. I was so wrapped up in how exciting my journey was that I was making decisions I wasn’t ready for.

So I reschedule things, I moved them around, I made it so that I won’t be leaving OR until March when Heather and I head to Ohio and then Virginia and Washington DC. After we get back I will leave for Dallas in April to go do my course studies at the Cooper Institute and then I’ll get in my CA trip and hit Vegas on the way back to Portland before heading off to Atlanta for a week.

Sometime I think that my WLS Journey Pause Button is one of the most important tools I have in my WLS Journey and it is one that I have had to learn to utilize more and more often as my weight loss journey continues and I learn how to live life after the weight loss.


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Author: Pandora Williams

Author of Desperately Seeking Slender

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