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Excess Skin Removal

One of the Darkest Days of my Weight Loss Journey

I’m pretty sure I’m having a semi nervous break down or something equivalent to it in my weight loss journey. I’m sitting here trying to re-gather myself, panting for breath and sniffling uncontrollably with the hiccups after throwing myself on the bed and crying and sobbing in a way I can only recall doing the morning my father died and the first time a boy broke my heart.

Let me rewind for you a second and explain how I got here. As many of you know, I plan to go to Vegas, I got very excited about the whole free plastic surgery consult thing and this morning I was standing in front of the mirror thinking about the things I knew I still wanted to get fixed, and how I was actually planning on waiting another year or so to go forward anymore and give myself a break since it was all such little things when something caught my attention in the mirror. It looked like … hanging skin. On my abdomen, the one I’ve done two plastic surgeries on. Two surgeries that my insurance covered. I started examining myself in the mirror and leaned over and I nearly died as I saw a good two inches of skin fall down as I leaned over.

I closed my eyes at that point and I started trying to ground myself, but I was lost, the panic set in and I was off and running.

When can I schedule a surgery and still maintain my timeline for everything on my calendar between now and August? How would I do this and fit in trying to buy a house? My Family is already getting upset that all things WLS are overtaking my life and having to remind me that I need to step back and take time for my friends and family that are not WLS people. They were relieved to see the major part of this surgery over, can we make it through another major surgery? There has been times that its been a strain on us. Can I afford to do this? I have the room on credit cards we made sure of that all along the way, it would be available if I needed it. But if I did that, what would we live on? Because we ended up supplementing my income most the year with what we didn’t use of the plastic surgery loan so that we could pay the bills. I have to do this. There is no way I can’t do this….

Because the reason I am in this panic, is because this skin to me, represents the people who abused me. When I see it on my body it makes me feel like I am still being haunted by their abuse despite how far I try to get away from it.

If I chose to fix this it will mean my family giving up the shot at a house… for the third time, to give me what I need, first a car, then nearly 2/3 a year off work to have plastic surgery after plastic surgery because they knew how bad I needed to do this emotionally. How can I possible ask that of them. I can’t. I’ll have to wait. And waiting means living with this now everyday when I look in the mirror.

WLSPauseI’m a huge believer in the fact that we are ill prepared for the emotional whirlwind that life gives you after your weight loss journey starts to get you near your goal weight. I’ve made a promise to you all that I will share that journey with you no matter where it takes me, today is truly one of my darkest days.

It is going to take me a few days to get through this and find my center. It’s going to take me getting some sleep, getting up and running and talking to my Dad and sorting through how I will take on this emotional battle I have ahead of me. I’m in tears as I write this part because truly, until this morning I was in a much different place with this, I thought I had lost that haunted feeling when I came out of this last surgery.

I need to catch my breath. But I also need to share and to hear your thoughts and support. I’m hurting and scared and lost. I’ll find my way through though, you’ll see. I’ll be ok. I might be scared, but I am stronger than this too, I know this much for sure.

Related Conversations on Facebook:

“I think I might just be having a nervous breakdown.”

This post discussed on my Facebook Fan Page

“Chris, if you’re still hearing my voice, I could use a little pep talk. Please. ?”

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My Third Christmas Post Weight Loss Surgery

I feel like I have so many things to do and catch up on, especially in the online world, that I am starting to panic that I’m “playing” too much.

f908a804500e11e28a5622000a1fbe35_6It’s nearly 10pm on December 26th, the day after Christmas when life begins to return to “normal” and the end of the Holiday season approaches. I had a couple really rough days leading up to Christmas. Murphy’s Law got me again and I was lucky enough to manage to get the Flu for literally the first time in my adult life while trying to recover from a thigh lift. Talk about a double whammy.

I am just starting to feel human again after having the good luck of coming down with the flu for the first time in my adult life while recovering from my thigh lift, and so I decided to start playing catch up in the online universe tonight and began downloading my email. Because catching up on my email will take HOURS less than catching up on Facebook or Twitter.

2beautiful-blogger21I was nominated for The Beautiful Blogger Award by Jessica at Bariatric Beginning. I’m very honored to have been nominated for this award and I am going to accept it and do all the things that the award require that I do… but it’s going to have to wait until I have gotten caught up. Jessica, thank you so much for the nomination and the kind words that you had to say about me. Having readers like you that do stuff like this for me is the reason I keep blogging.

So we had a really nice Christmas. Christmas at my house is always a big deal even when there are only a few of us here. I think it comes from my being deprived Christmases all during my childhood, it’s my favorite time of year and we always have a really nice Christmas if there is anyway we can make that happen. This year was the first year since Heather moved in and I really wanted it to be super special for her.

Now what sucked was that I came down with the flu the Thursday before Christmas and it was bad. I’ve never had the flu before, I can say this with certainty now. But let me tell you, recovering from a reconstructive thigh lift and getting the flu on top of it, where your entire body is suddenly achy, it is about as high on my to do list as jumping off the top of a ten story building. Now add-on to that running a 102 fever, going from hot to cold, oh but the best, the best was when the shivers set in, and suddenly my whole body, slit up, stitched up thighs and all were trembling uncontrollably, which causes all your achy muscles to tighten, and… yeah let’s just say that if you ever have the option to NOT get the flu while recovering from a thigh lift, take it.

After a visit to my PCP and my Surgeon on the 21st which would be 3 weeks and 2 days Post Op she said that there was still a bit of swelling, she took the drain out of my left side but left the right side in and said that there was a little redness that COULD be the start of an infection, so she put me on another weeks worth of antibiotics just to be certain and I’m due to see her again in a couple of days. With the flu kicking my butt I pretty much slept from Friday to Christmas without really noticing the time passing by.

By Christmas Eve, thankfully, the worst of the flu had passed. We had a great time opening presents and my loot included …

 

2072231c500e11e29bac22000a9f13d0_6Games:

  • Guild Wars 2 ( PC ) – This game will keep me busy for the better part of  year+ once I start playing it. I played the first one for nearly two years before I got bored with it.
  • Rise of the Guardians ( Wii )
  • Skylander Giants ( Wii ) ( I got lots of little figures too! )
  • Your Shape Fitness Evolved 2013 ( Wii )

 

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Fun Stuff:

  • A Tinkerbell mouth rinse up for the bathroom 🙂 – I love Tinkerbell
  • Warm & Cozy Microwaveable aroma therapy stuffed animal and scarf. – A cute way to stay warm when you find yourself freezing after weight loss surgery!
  • Plantronics Bluetooth Earbuds – They let you listen to music, take calls, hear all your running app stuff and NOT get your arms tangled on cords. I’ll be writing a review!
  • Pandora Jewelry – I got one new charm and two new clips for my Pandora bracelets.
  • Oval Jewelry Box – I’ve had little wood square jewelry box for about 9 years, now I have a pretty oval, 5 drawer, side opening fancy, grown up jewelry box!

ddd0142e500d11e29e9622000a9f09f1_6Clothes:

  • Warn Cozy Jammies – I got three pairs of fleece ones and one really nice pair of like super warm gray ones where the top is a jacket! I’ve had one pair of warm PJs since I lost weight and those were last years Christmas Jammies and were a size 1X. These were all women’s size medium and large 🙂
  • Running Wear – I got some fitness wear two shirts, two 2nd layer hoodies and one pair of Capri pants to match them all and a purple heavier sweatshirt, all ventilated, all great for running! I can’t wait to try them out when they let me back on the pavement. Oh I also got my FIRST ever running tank top! It goes with all the other stuff color wise, but I’ve never worn a tank top to exercise before. ( remember I’ve spent a year doing plastics ) so this was an exciting first for me!967a6f60500e11e2ae8022000a9e2946_6
  • Scarfs – I got two really nice scarves, one black with stars and one sort of multi colored one. I am sure you will see them in lots of pictures to come!
  • Speedo Bathing Suit – Well I said I would go back to swimming at the gym after I got my thighs done and now I’m gonna be held to it. my new size 8 speedo bath suit sort of demands I live up to that promise. So soon a the doc says I can exercise in a public pool again, I’m there.
  • Robe – So I haven’t bought a new robe since I lost weight. My robe currently is the green one I was wearing after my gastric bypass at the hospital. It will be retired now, because I got a gorgeous black and leopard print warm fuzzy new robe under the tree!
  • Socks – Socks are a Christmas tradition in my family. One of the only two that I can clearly remember before my Mother decided that we were going to become Jehovah Witnesses when I was 5 and I never got Christmas again until I was an adult. Socks, you always get socks for Christmas, socks and an orange in your stocking.

I’m feeling a lot better these days, mostly sitting in the recliner, keeping my legs elevated and trying to get the swelling in my thighs to go down. I haven’t felt up to going back to work yet, and that only drains more and more out of our savings each week I am out, so I’m eager to get back, for now, I’m resting, like they keep telling me that I should, drifting in and out of consciousness and letting my body heal. As I finally finish this blog it’s nearly 3am and I’ve been dozing in and out, writing in between naps in those brief moments when I’m awake and watching HJ play Zombie U .. Go team not corpses.

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Author: Pandora Williams

Author of Desperately Seeking Slender

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