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Life after RNY

Back To Being the BEST version of ME

DssButton2FB2-150x150Dear Slender Seekers,

Sometimes you just have to stop and write. I’ve been quiet for too long. I’ve gotten off track and felt guilty. But today, I fixed it. Today, my first day off since New Years, today I promised myself to fix it, and from here on out, I am going to keep my promise.

If you only knew how much weight that promise holds.

Here we go.

I’ve shared with you in the past that a wise man once taught me that part of our responsibility in our journey is to have the kindness of heart to reach back to those behind you in the journey and help them along.

He also taught me to have the courage to reach forward to those ahead of me and ask for help when I needed it.

Today, I lived that lesson.

I read a post from a friend on Facebook today that reminded me so much of where I once was in my journey; the day I created Desperately Seeking Slender. I was just coming out of bariatric surgery. I had decided I wanted to help others in their weight loss journey and found myself wanting a career giving people what I felt I needed most right then, someone who had been there and someone who could tell me what sort of exercise to do and teach me about nutrition.

I reached out to my friend and offered to send him a book that would help him in his journey. The extra Cooper Manual I had to buy when I didn’t have it with me when I got there for class.

This did two things.

I allowed me to give someone who is following a similar path as my own, a little guidance as to how I did it and what directions he might want to go in.

It also allowed me to reach out and ask someone who might be willing to help me with something I am struggling with; someone to study with me over the phone. I have this wild image of me running on a treadmill answering flashcards questions while panting and then reading off flashcards for my study buddy to answer during set reps.

Yeah. I’m a little weird.

I’ve also realized that once again I got sucked into my own emotional pit. (I also realized what it is that usually snaps me out of it.)

10314493_1015076241852179_6251278648778862597_nI have a really hard time dealing with grief.

Sometimes it sneaks up on me in placed I don’t expect it. It was really bad for me on Christmas Eve. Missing my Father in combination with my first holiday season away from Oregon, missing my PNW Family and Friends was really hard for me.

But the same friend I reached out to today had reached out to me on Christmas Eve. I was driving to the gym. I had managed to get myself off the couch and into the car but I just wasn’t feeling it at all. In fact, I was already having an internal conversation with myself about how I was only going to do a really short 2 mile run. I got a text from my friend encouraging me to get out of the house and go for a run.

Somehow just knowing that someone else was there cheering me on helped me. I got on that treadmill and put 5 miles on my shoes that day. Guess what? I felt so much better afterwards. I was so grateful to the friends that had helped pull me out of that slump.

I’m a big believer in the “Attitude is Gratitude movement.” as well as the “Pay it Forward” movement.

Today I was able to thank my friend for being there for me when I needed it by being there for him when he needed it and by giving him something I wish I had possessed a little bit more of earlier on in my journey, experience and guidance.

I need to get back to the ABC’s – Back to the basics.

First step, confess. – I got off track again. Guilty of taking on too much and not having enough time to do all the things for me that I need to do. I stopped doing the very thing I teach others to do. Even though I love my father I have a bad habit of letting old ghosts haunt me. Sometimes, it just takes that ghost giving you a little nudge and telling you it’s time to move on. (I do love the way my father can still teach me a lesson to this day.)

Next, reassess. – I can’t do it all but I can do most of it. My running time needs to get worked back in. I need to somehow combine studying and exercise to help make that work. I need to give my clients everything they need from me to help them be successful with this challenge we have going on while still maintaining my exercise and study goals. This is my number one priority. I got this.

Now, commit. – I need a plan.

I’ll schedule my days more carefully to allow for better time management. I will schedule in, travel, exercise and study time.

I will let go of the grief I’ve been feeling. I’ll write more often. I express emotions better in words. Even better if I am the only one reading them.

I’ll keep my promise to myself to not take on any other big projects until I have completed my goals. (This is a big one for me.)

I’ll keep my promise to myself to always use Sunday as a Celebration Day. Celebrating the things I am proud of.

Today is Sunday, and as I shared with you earlier I am proud of myself for the way I was able to live a lesson I believe in today. I’m also proud of myself for the ability to realize that I am not perfect and recognizing my mistakes. As one of my heroes, Heidi Powell would say “I’m Perfectly Imperfect.”I’m also proud of my ability to learn from people like her how to fall without failing and what steps to take to get back up.  Most of all I am proud of myself, for the person I am, the woman I’ve become, and the coach I strive to be.

Now since we’re talking about getting back on track Slender Seekers I have a challenge for you. I challenge you to do the same thing I am doing in the beginning of the year. Don’t make a New Years resolution that might not last past the first few months of the year and set goals you’ll be disappointed in yourself when you don’t achieve. Instead I challenge you to simply be the best version of yourself you can be right now.

Look at your current situation, confess anything you’ve fallen short on to yourself. Reassess the situation and decide what your priorities are and then commit to a plan to get yourself back on track. I’d love to share this journey with you and celebrate the steps you take to get to where you want to be along the way. In fact, why don’t you write to me and tell me what successes you are celebrating and I’ll celebrate them with you.

That gives me a whole new idea. But more on that later. Now, it’s time for me to get some sleep.

Sending you lots of virtual hugs,

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 Pandora Williams author of Desperately Seeking Slender is a  Cooper Approved Wellness Coach Trained in Weight Management Strategies and Motivational Speaker studying to become a Certified Personal Trainer.

The Teeter-Totter of Weight Bias

DssButton2FB2-150x150As a Weight Loss and Wellness Coach, I often use the illustration of a teeter-totter when sitting down with a new client to go over the theory of “calories in, calories out” and to explain the importance of putting good fuel in our bodies to support vigorous activity.

As I lay in bed restless tonight, I am thinking about an article I read about people who sit on both sides of the spectrum of weight bias. That is, those who know what it’s like to be overweight and struggle with obesity but are not anymore and now live as people of so-called normal size.

In thinking about this strange predicament, that image of a teeter-totter resurfaced.

 

Being the Chubby Kid

As a victim of emotional, physical, verbal and sexual abuse in my childhood, my mind is my playground. My imagination was my escape mechanism from the time I was very small child. As I grew older, food became my friend, confidant and lover. Before I even realized it, my escape into food had pushed me into the furthest reaches of the weight spectrum.

From as young as five years old, I recall being the chubby kid that nobody wanted to pick for dodge-ball and the target of weight biased jokes. “Fatty Fatty two by four she can’t fit through the kitchen door” is one of the first childhood rhymes I remember the “mean kids” chanting at me.

I remained the largest child in my class long into high school. That fact affected my relationships with both girls and boys alike. I was an unpopular outcast who got teased and ridiculed. In the sixth grade, I became the target of a school bully – shocking, considering that the bully was a boy very much in the same predicament as me.

He was heaviest boy in our class, endless teased himself, and in reaction he started punching me as his way of lashing out. One day, after he shoved me out of the lunch line and into a wall, I asked him one day with tear-filled eyes, “Why do you pick on me?” His answer was to punch me in the stomach. Confused and bewildered, that night I asked my father “Why do they hate me so much?”

His reply: “Because you’re different and unique and sometimes that scares people or makes them jealous and people do some really mean things when they are scared or jealous. They make fun of the thing that makes you different because it’s the only thing they have to justify their feelings.”

 

A Traumatic Adolescence

As I got older, this life lesson followed me as I grew in age and, unfortunately, also in size. As the bullying continued, I continued to question why people seemed to hate me so much. I also developed coping mechanisms to deal with it with what I felt was an inevitable fact. I was overweight, actually now I was plagued with obeisty.

So I became sexually active. I dressed in all black. The other kids called me “goth” and considered me uncool for it. I began to cut myself and the other kids accused me of doing it simply for attention. I cried myself to sleep at night, wondering why nobody understood me. I wasn’t doing any of these things for attention, but to try to feel better.

Sleeping with boys made me think someone loved and cared for me. Dressing in black, I thought, was figure flattering. I cut myself because when I got to a point where I was emotionally numb, the pain reminded me that I was still alive. But no matter what I did, I couldn’t seem to win. The more I tried to survive, the more the bullies tried to push me underwater.

I did have a few brave moments when I stuck up for myself. One time a girl in my class took a note I had written to a boy we both liked and she photocopied it, passing it around for lots of other kids to see. I confronted her, asking why she hated me so much. Her answer was sharp and simple: “Because you are fat and ugly.” With nothing to lose I challenged her, demanding to know, “Why do you care that I’m fat?” She had no response.

I was fifteen at the time and I had spent nearly a decade – most of my life at that time – being  of the victim of weight bias, bullying and fat shaming.

 

Coming of Age

When I finally decided to take my life back from obesity, I was shocked that my true battle was to stop seeing myself as a victim and learning to see myself as a survivor. From there I learned to live, to thrive and strive. I’m proud to say I lost my weight, I have won that round in my fight against obesity. In this victory I told myself, “I will never again be defined or disliked by the number that shows up on the scale or the way my body looks.”

But oh how wrong I was. Because I hadn’t learned yet that in the world of weight bias, there was a teeter-totter – and a whole different end of the spectrum.

I’m new to the world of being slender. It’s ironic how hard I fought to get here – thinking if I did I’d win my battle – only to find new battles to fight and new demons to face! Body image issues took their toll on me, and I found myself associating the extra skin that hung from my body with my former abusers and the emotional addiction that perpetuated my obesity for so long.

To help free myself of the remnants of that past, I turned to reconstructive plastic surgery. I fought with body dysmorphia – that is, not being able to see the true image of myself in the mirror. I also felt haunted by “ghosts of the past,” the people whose behavior drove me to inflict so much harm on myself.

I beat myself up emotionally when the number on the scale, along with the Body Mass Index, told me that despite the fact that I’d lost more than 250 lbs, I was still “overweight.” I allowed that emotional self-abuse to hinder where I wanted to go in life and who I wanted to be. I put off my career in the weight loss, wellness and fitness industry because I thought I needed to be perfect before I could help others fight obesity.

Thankfully around this time of my life I found an organization called the Obesity Action Coalition, an organization that fights weight bias through education and empowerment. I got the amazing opportunity to attending their inaugural “Your Weight Matters Convention” in 2012. There I was able to sit at a “Lunch with the Experts” table with Dr. Robert Kushner, M.D. who helped me realize that neither the BMI nor an extra 5-10 pounds of weight loss was going to change how effective I could be or how inspirational my story would be to those that employed me seeking help in their weight loss journey.

Over the past three years, my membership to the OAC has taught me more than I can ever write in one article. It has also given me the courage to stand up against weight bias, weight stigma and weight discrimination whenever I see them.

You’ll understand the irony, then, when I tell you that it was at the third “Your Weight Matters” Convention this month in Orlando, Fl. that I discovered for the first time that I would battle weight bias no matter where I fall in the weight spectrum.

 

A New Day, A New Battle

Without going into the details (and perpetuating a lot of drama), I found out that someone had made a very harsh and superficial judgment about me based on this new body I’m working so hard to love.

I have to say I was shocked when I first found that out. Part of me thought it was a joke. But over the past three years of being in the weight loss community there seems to be a recurring cycle of drama and bullying. I’ve seen individuals targeted and shut out. I’ve seen others discouraged from associating with those so-called outcasts and I’ve heard from people who felt pressured to alter themselves and their friend lists just to fit in – or at least to prevent themselves from being the next victim. I’ve heard stories and recounts of this sort of behavior that predate my own presence with this community.

It puzzled me at first, how a group of people who have fought such similar battles – and have had such similar experiences with bullying, weight bias and stereotyping – could behave that way. You would think our common experiences would bond us together in a united front, make us join arms and rally for the same cause and empower us to support one another. After all, we’re all fighting the same fight against a disease that impacts more than 93 million people in our country.

But there I was facing a situation I had been through so many times. The fact that I was on the other side of the spectrum didn’t make it any less hurtful. I found myself once again asking that question, “Why do they hate me so much?” Apparently, now it’s because I’m skinny and my breasts are too big.

The shock I felt at that moment is about the same as the shock I felt when plastic surgeon told me that there wasn’t enough fat left on my body to perform the procedure I was asking him to do. My jaw hit the floor.

Never in my whole life did I think people would dislike me for being “too thin.” I won’t even touch the ridiculousness of the comments about my breasts.  After taking a moment to recover from that information, I asked, “Don’t you find it a little hypocritical that we’re sitting here at a convention that fights weight bias and weight stigma and that we protest judging and shaming people for the size of their body, the number on scale and their outward appearance and yet, that is exactly what I am apparently being judged for?”

 

Balancing Your Core

The answer to that question made me angry. Yes, it is ironic. It’s stupid really. And it needs to stop. I’ve sat on this experience for a few weeks now. I’ve dissected it to figure out what lesson it was supposed to teach me. Now, as I lay in bed tonight with that image that teeter-totter in my head, I’ve finally sorted out what I want to say.

While I was in Orlando, I met with a remarkable woman named Melinda Watman, the chair of the Weight Bias committee of the Obesity Action Coalition. I explained to her why I’m so passionate about fighting weight bias, why I wanted to be a part of OAC’s Weight Bias Committee and why the OAC’s Bias Busters programs calls to me.

Every year that I attend the OAC’s convention something absolutely life changing happens to me and I learn something I would never have had the chance to learn otherwise. This year, I learned that there is two very different sides to weight bias and that each of them are equally stigmatizing. I also learned that stigma, in general, is a lot less traumatizing when you have a solid foundation and a strong perception of your core strengths and beliefs.

Because when I was told that some people didn’t like me because they thought I was too thin or they thought my breasts were too big, I didn’t react the way I did so many years ago. I didn’t crawl into the solitude of my room and weep. Instead, I stood firm in my convictions and called it for what it was: weight bias.

The truth is, neither the size of my body nor the size of my breasts define who I am. When I am gone and the winds have called my name for the last time, neither of them are what the world is going to remember me for. In fact, I rather hope that the only numbers in my eulogy are the years I existed in the world. Instead, I hope to be remembered for the person that I am and the way I lived my life.

As an exercise instructor, my class and I stand in front of the mirror constantly moving our bodies in an effort to improve them. There are days I like what I see, and there are some days I don’t. But at the end of each day, the only person that has to like my reflection is me.

So if you ask me what I took away from the OAC “Your Weight Matters” 2014 Convention this year, my answer is very simple, I took away not only the education, but also the realization that if I want to truly stand up against weight bias, weight stigma and bullying I have to be prepared to do it from all sides and angles.

In the gym my clients often quote my tips on maintaining good posture while exercising and to build their core strength: “Shoulders back, girls out, core engaged.” Finally tonight, I understand why that teeter-totter was so prevalent in my mind. Because no matter what side of the battle of obesity you are on, if you can stand in the middle of that proverbial teeter-totter and engage your core, retain you balance and posture, you’ll be much stronger in your stance and your fight.

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Pandora Williams author of Desperately Seeking Slender is a  Cooper Approved Wellness Coach Trained in Weight Management Strategies and Motivational Speaker studying to become a Certified Personal Trainer.
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Author: Pandora Williams

Author of Desperately Seeking Slender

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