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Sex Love and Obesity – Part 11

In Sex Love and Obesity Part 10, I introduced you to Peter, a man who was about to change my entire world. He was about to teach me one of the biggest lessons I have learned when it comes to relationships after weight loss.

Attention seeking can lead you down a dark rabbit hole.

October turned into November. Remember, I told you that November tends to be a defining month in my life when it comes to relationships. A lot can happen in a short time. In the next month Peter had moved out of his house and was moving forward with his divorce. Even though I clearly had him in the friend zone, he convinced me that I should come for a visit.

Prior to the visit we discussed some of my trepidation about getting involved in a relationship with someone else in the weight loss community. I had body image issues after weight loss. I still had body image issues after weight loss. I had struggled with the excess skin issues. I was honest about all of this. I wasn’t quite sure if those issues applied only to my body or if they would also apply to someone else’s body if I tried to have a relationship with someone who was earlier in their journey than I was. I didn’t want to be that jerk who had an issue with someone else’s body or made someone else feel uncomfortable in their own skin. I didn’t want to hurt anyone.

I’ve learned now, that not wanting to hurt someone while generally a noble personality trait, is one of my biggest weaknesses. It’s one of the primary reasons I have a hard time with closure, with being honest about my feelings or lack thereof. It’s one of the primary reasons I stay in relationships that I am unhappy in for far too long.

I went to for a visit the second week of December.

I won’t say it wasn’t amazing. It was amazing. Absolutely amazing. From the moment I arrived, the grandiose romantic gestures impressed me.  He paid attention to things I liked, to things I said, and he fawned over me. There was never a moment when I didn’t know that he thought I was the most beautiful woman he had ever met and that he wanted me. There were yellow roses greeting me when I got to his house. My favorite drinks where in the refrigerator. There were little presents for me that showed how much he had paid attention.

We went for a run. He cooked Mickey Mouse shaped protein pancakes for me. He treated me like a princess. He played music I loved rather than every other guy in my life that had always forced me to listen to the music he liked when we were together. I felt special, I felt wanted, and before I knew it, slightly intoxicated on his couch, I kissed him.

That kiss lead to the most amazing sex I have ever had in my life. That is no lie. If I wrote a book about it that incident, in words would turn into a sexual encounter that made women swoon. The sex was amazing. It was unselfish, both of us doing everything we could to try to please the other. More than it was physical, it was an emotional. I’d never experienced anything like it in my life. I didn’t know where he ended and where I began. For hours and hours and hours, and I am not exaggerating the experience lasted six or seven hours I felt more connected to any human being that I ever had in my life.

The next morning, when I woke up to the smell of turkey bacon and pancakes, I reminded him that nothing had changed. That we we’re not dating, that we were not in some serious relationship.

The next night was the same. The sex was passionate. I didn’t feel like we were two people going through the motions. I didn’t feel like he was there because I wanted him to be. I knew he wanted to be there in that moment with me. For the first time in my life I felt like someone had made love to me instead of just having sex with me. That feeling brought me to tears. I’d literally cried as we shared this experience. In those moments, where I felt cherished, made love to, where I felt like the only woman in the world that existed to him, where this chemistry manifested between us and I felt connected on a level I had never experienced before, I felt healed inside.

I felt like every broken and damaged piece of me was being put back together. I felt whole.

We stayed up the entire night before he had to drive me to the airport. Wrapped up in each other’s arms tangled in the sheets, trying not to miss a single moment of bliss. I cried because I had to leave. Because I had to go home and face all the demons, dangling relationship strings and hurt that was waiting for me there.

Everything about Peter impressed me.

He had a steady job, his own place, he bought me nice little gifts, paid for dinner when he took me out. When it came to a new relationship, I wanted someone who was financially secure. I was tired of always struggling financially with someone. I was tired of being the bread-winner in the relationship. I was tired of working my ass off so that everyone I was involved with could survive and tread water with me.

He was a gentleman. He opened doors for me to walk through, opened the car door for me to get in and closed it behind me. He held my hand while he was driving.

He understood that I was a Daddy’s girl. He knew not only how much I missed my father but how much I respected him. How I sought a man with old fashion, traditional cowboy values and he vocalized how he wanted to be a man my father would like, someone my father would be happy to see me end up with.

The airport good-bye on that trip was something I’ll never forget.

To this day I will say, that what happened on the airport curb at the end of that trip was something right out of a romantic drama. It was without any shadow of a doubt the moment I feel in love with him.

We both struggled on the ride to the airport. I was surprised at how emotional he was. Tears streamed down his face as he told me that he wasn’t ready for me to leave yet.

When we got to the curb, he took my luggage out of the car. I stood there, with all my emotional walls built on up, trying to make sure that I didn’t give him any signs that I cared and that I was considering anything more than a friendship. The words that came out of his mouth took my breath away.

“Pandora, I’ve always been that guy that has never really tried to go after what I wanted. Never felt worthy of it and never really chased it. But I’m not going to do that with you. If you and I don’t end up together it is going to be because you decided that it wasn’t going to happen, not because I didn’t do everything I possibly could to make it happen.”

My heart dropped, I couldn’t breathe, I swallowed the lump in my throat and I knew that I needed to walk away before I let my guard down, showed him I cared and gave him the power to hurt me that comes with letting someone know you care that much about them. I managed to mutter up the words “I’ve got to go,” and tried to grab my bags and walk away. He grabbed me, stopped me and kissed me.

I was too emotional to remember anything he said after that. My world was spinning. He had me. Right then and there, he had me. Everything he had done for the last six weeks had paid off. I walked away before he got a chance to see me break down and cry. I cried most of the airplane trip home, listening to songs on repeat that reminded me of him like a teenage girl in love.

I was terrified. I knew two things for certain in this moment. One that I was hopelessly in love with him and two, that no matter what happened next, it was either going to end with the “happily ever after” that I was dreaming of, or it was going to end in tragedy.

The ironic thing is I thought the issue would be that I was broken and damaged and incapable of love. I thought the tragedy would be that I would break his heart.

Stay tuned for Sex Love and Obesity Part 12 – Chasing Happily Ever AfterDSSPostSig

Pandora Williams author of Desperately Seeking Slender is an ISSA Certified Personal Trainer and Cooper Institute Approved Wellness Coach Trained in Weight Management Strategies. Her training and coaching services are offered exclusively through GoGirl Fitness Studio.

Sex Love and Obesity – Part 10

Previously in the Sex Love and Obesity series we talked about how someone else had come along and Superman had let me go without resistance to seek the greener grass in another relationship. In my last blog discussed Dissociative Identity Disorder and how after 15 years of managing this mental health issue my next relationship choice suddenly made it a prevalent issue in my life again.

Before we talk about the relationship itself, let’s talk about how it even came to exist. You see, I wasn’t really looking for a new relationship. I wasn’t really looking to fall in love with someone else. Superman and I had issues, but most of our issues centered around me, around my need for sexual attention and my inability to deal with a relationship that was void of passion and intimacy.

I wasn’t looking for love, I was looking for attention.

I was looking for intimacy. I was looking for someone to boost my self-confidence and my self-worth by making me feel wanted sexually. I was looking for someone to appreciate my new body, to look at me with want and desire. I was looking for validation of what I had accomplished. I was looking for someone to make me feel pretty.

I’m going to be talking about this next relationship for a while, so I feel I need to give this gentleman a name as well. I’m going to call him Peter.

The first time I met him was at a weight loss surgery-oriented convention. He was barely beginning his journey. We met in passing and he told me that he read my blog and appreciated the motivation and inspiration I provided. A year later, when I couldn’t afford to go to that convention, he stepped up and started a community fundraiser to pay for me to attend. I was appreciative. Nobody had ever done anything like that for me before.

We hung out quite a bit at that convention. We had a lot in common. Like myself he had lost an impressive amount of weight after weight loss surgery. He wasn’t where he wanted to be yet. But he was less than a year post op, so he still had a little way to go. We became friends, got to know each other. We talked about our current relationship statuses. We discussed the frayed strands of relationships I had dangling in my life. The boyfriend that didn’t want to be sexual with me. We discussed his unhappiness in his marriage that was generated by many of the same issues.

He spent most of the convention upset at a girl that he was smitten with. Her lack of reciprocation of his attention and the mixed messages he felt she was sending had him twisted and confused.

I spent most of the convention jealous of her.

I wasn’t jealous that he was smitten with her mind you. To be honest, I wasn’t really attracted to him at the time. I had just returned from a weekend trip at another weight loss-oriented event where I was having a fling with a man who I was ridiculously physically attracted to.

I was jealous that she drew that sort of attention to her in a way that I didn’t. I watched her, flirting, sitting in the laps of men that were so obviously drawn to her, and ask myself what was wrong with me that I didn’t receive this sort of attention. As I admitted earlier, I was seeking that kind of attention. I was envious of her. But, it wasn’t a green-eyed monster sort of jealousy. It was an ugly duckling syndrome type of jealousy.

I listened as he confided in me that she was his ideal of a perfect woman. That her appearance, attitude and personality were exactly what he would create for himself in some Weird Science, create the perfect woman sort of scenario.

It was August of 2015, and something had changed for me during the two weeks that I had been gone attending these events. I came back with the distinct mindset, that I didn’t want to settle anymore. I didn’t want to have all these relationships that lacked closure because I was afraid to stand up and say I was unhappy.

I wanted a chance at the Happily Ever After fairy tale that I was seeking.

I didn’t think I had found Prince Charming at either of these events, but the weekend had opened my eyes up to the fact that he might be out there and that all my lingering relationship ties might be keeping him from finding me. I came home from that convention and all be it very slowly, started severing ties.

I was scheduled to give a motivational speech at another weight loss-oriented event a couple of months out. I put a call out on social media looking for someone who was willing to listen to my presentation and help me practice. Peter volunteered. This led to us spending a large amount of time talking on the phone together. Day after day I would call, practice my presentation, he would listen, and we’d chat a little bit after. As the month went on, the after chats got longer and longer.  We’d vent to each other. Me about the boyfriend that didn’t pay attention to me. Him about the wife that didn’t pay attention to him.

By October, our friendship had progressed into something unique and special. I really considered him one of my best friends at that point. He had made it into a small inner circle of people I let close to me, people who I consider my “Ride or Die” friends.

Somewhere between August and October I had decided I was going to go to Disneyland World and run the Star Wars half marathon. I had invited a couple of my Disney loving girlfriends to go with me. Being a Disney fanatic and Star Wars nerd himself, he decided he wanted to go too. I was impressed that he wanted to try to run a half marathon, motivating people to take on their first finish line is a passion of mine.

In September he decided that he wanted to be present when I gave my first motivational speech. He’d been a big part of helping me get prepared for it. I was excited, it was my first big motivational speaking gig. A whole hour of me talking to a room full of people about how I had used exercise as a weapon against emotional eating in my weight loss journey.

He booked a trip to Raleigh, NC where the event was at. We decided to share a room together. I was excited to have one of my dear friends along for the ride. He was in the middle of training for a half marathon we were going to do together the following April. I was already training for the Dopey Challenge event I was going to be doing the following January. We packed our running shoes and found a local event to participate in while we were there that would get us both the distance we needed to run that weekend.

We went through the entire event without me even realizing that he was looking at me as anything other than the friend I thought I was. In fact, the girl that he had been upset wasn’t paying attention to him the way he wanted her too just a few months ago was at that convention too.

I was under the impression his romantic interests still centered on her.

When we first arrived at the hotel he presented me with a ring that I had posted about wanting on social media. I thought it was a friendly gesture. It was a Tinker Bell ring that I had lusted after. I thought it was a “Thank you for being part of this Disney running journey with me” gift.

When I got back to the room after delivering my presentation there was a dozen yellow roses waiting for me. I took it as a “Congratulations, you rocked that presentation.” present. Yellow roses are after all a symbol of friendship. I correlated it with him knowing how much I missed my father, how much I wished he was there. The whole yellow rose of Texas thing.

It wasn’t until I was sitting in a room with a couple of my girlfriends the final night of the event getting ready for the evening festivities that I even realized I was being courted. He had confided his feelings to them privately before we had even arrived in Raleigh.

At first, I didn’t believe them. I was convinced his intentions, attention and romantic obsession was focused on another woman.

Next, I was angry. Angry that he was looking for more than a friendship. Angry that I was going to have to tell someone I cared about as a friend that I wasn’t attracted to them in that manner. Upset that he was trying to take our friendship to a different level. I’d never been in that position before. Having to be the one that says, “I’m sorry, I just don’t feel that way about you.” I was used to being on the other side of the equation.

We had that conversation. We got up the following morning and did our run. We had a great time. He went back to home to his wife, I went back to my boyfriend, we said our friendly good-byes and life should have gone back to normal.

But if there is one thing I will ever say about Peter, it’s that when he decides he wants something, he is relentless in his pursuit of it. He had decided that he wanted me, and even though I didn’t really want to be wanted by him at the time. I wanted to be wanted by someone more than I wanted anything else at that point in my life.

I had worked hard to get to where I was in my weight loss journey. Happily residing in Onederland. But I still had no self-confidence. I lacked self-esteem, I lacked self-worth. I wanted to be wanted because I wanted the way someone else looked at me to validate me. That desire to be wanted was about to take me down a very dark rabbit hole.

Stay tuned for Sex Love and Obesity Part 11 – Down The Rabbit Hole of Attention Seeking

DSSPostSig

Pandora Williams author of Desperately Seeking Slender is an ISSA Certified Personal Trainer and Cooper Institute Approved Wellness Coach Trained in Weight Management Strategies. Her training and coaching services are offered exclusively through GoGirl Fitness Studio.
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Author: Pandora Williams

Author of Desperately Seeking Slender

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