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This Is How I Roll – Desperately Seeking Slender in Vegas

There are a million things I should be doing right now other than writing this blog. Maybe not millions, but a ton. Studying for my PT Certification that I feel I am nowhere near ready for, at the gym working on that perfect form I am going to need, helping my Godfather with his house project… the list goes on and on.  I can always find something I should be doing now that I am thin enough to maintain healthy fitness.

But still I find myself drawn here, where I share my journey with you, whether it’s good bad or indifferent, that is what I’ve always been about. We’ve been through a lot together since I started this journey, but now, we embark on dangerous territory.. I must participate in … drum roll please … the social game.
I am just a little over a week for leaving for the WLSFA Las Vegas Event. Now while I am nobody particularly special to this organization, I will say that my involvement with them since last October has taught me that sometimes the little people do a lot that goes unnoticed.
For this Las Vegas event, Laura Van Tuyl and I were literally working around each other’s schedules and doing things we had to do at the last possible moment just because of how busy we both were. She needed some help with some of the projects on her agenda for the event. From the swag bags at the Carnie VIP Lunch to the graphic images on the charms that will be sold and even so far as to working together on an entirely different WLSFA PNW Chapter Project, almost the entire time that life has been dragging me all over the country to take care of people I love, Laura was right there with me. Not only helping me and giving me advice when life got rough but dealing with her own traveling, personal life as well as doing all the WLSFA work that she does. I am literally amazed at how much of her time Laura gives to the Weight Loss Surgery Foundation of America, it is outstanding really. I’ve never met anyone that wants to give back as much as I do until I met some of the women at the WLSFA.
I talk a lot about some of the Ladies that have positively impacted my life in ways that I can never repay just by caring about me, seeing potential in me and encouraging me. Let me talk for a moment about my dear friend Yvonne McCarthy from Bariatric Girl– Several years ago, before my insurance would approve my Gastric Bypass, I wrote Yvonne a six page letter asking her for help because I had nowhere to turn. I’d never heard back from Yvonne, I figured I wasn’t important enough to get her attention or like all the other “celebrities” I’d written, ( Because that’s what she was to me, a WLS celebrity ) my story wasn’t special enough to get her attention. When I saw Yvonne at the OAC Convention in Dallas last October I was really put off by this, I didn’t want to introduce myself or talk to her because I felt she had ignored me. Encouraged by Diana Lyn, I approached Yvonne and told her who I was, about my letter and about her not responding. I have never seen a woman so beside herself that she missed an email in my entire life. 564711_10200840649757685_2055684940_nSince then Yvonne has been one of the dearest friends I have made and stands in a group of women who have supported me in ways they may never even realize. All it takes is a sad blog post or an update on Facebook that I am having a bad day or struggling and I have a text from Yvonne asking me to call so she can check on me.  It’s not often that I put negativity out there, I really try to stay positive about everything, but bad things happen to us once in a while and can get us down and break our hearts, and when that happens I tend to let it leak out a little. Yvonne picks up on it right away, and always knows that whatever I am actually saying aloud, it’s probable a lot worse than I have shared yet, because I keep that stuff very close chested. When I got the opportunity to get together with Yvonne for lunch and shopping in Dallas last month, not only did she insist on buying my lunch, but also my dress for Vegas. She is such a kind-hearted and giving individual I cannot help but love her. She’s taught me to be myself, to see the positive in as much as I can, and to appreciate what I have and not dwell on what I don’t. ( Even if that last part is a lesson I am constantly working on. )
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Then there is Sandi Henderson, who let me tell you, I wish this woman was my Mother, if I had this woman in my corner sooner I think I would have been someone big in this world. She is constantly there to remind me I can do something, to remind me to stand up, fight and make noise as I am put in positions where I can advocate for this community. She encourages me to be the best that I can be, and anytime I ask for help, anytime I put my hand out and say, please stand with me on this I need support, she is one of the women that will be the first to dig her feet in the sand and reach out to her social media network to help me.  I knew that Sandi was going to be special to me when we first met at the OAC Convention in October and I had decided to make the Walk From Obesity my first official 5K run. I was running around and stopped for a moment to catch a breath and fell in next to Sandy so I could talk to her and one of the Sponsor Representatives on the sidelines called out, “Hey Pandora you are supposed to be running why are you walking?” Sandi turned around and said “That is NOT a Positive Message and that is NOT how you encourage someone,” – I fell in love with Sandi right then and there. I’d walk a mile or twenty-five for or with this woman any day she asked me to.
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Then there is Rain Hampton, who is now working with the WLSFA So California Chapter, doing amazing things with fundraisers and young new chapter. Rain Hampton is, quite honestly, the reason this community has a Pandora in it. I don’t mean that to sound full of myself at all but honestly it was my friendship with two people who I met at the OAC Convention in October that forever cemented in me the desires I already had to reach out and try to help this community in their weight loss journeys, Rain and Joy, Rain helped me figure out who I wanted to be and where I was going to go and how to play Switzerland and THAT helped me figure out the direction of Desperately Seeking Slender. Then it was Joy, her place in her journey, how much of me I saw in her and the instant emotional connection that we had that ensured that I would forever work to help people in this community that wanted it. If there is one Joy in my life for every year I continue to have my blog I will be a happy person a blessed friend. Unfortunately Joy won’t be in Vegas, but we are rooming together in August for the OAC Convention.
There are so many people who have come in to my life because of my blog, my attendance at the OAC Convention and my desire to help others and be a part of things like the OAC and the WLSFA. So many people who have encourage my desires for a new career as a personal trainer with an emphasis on Bariatric Fitness and Weight Loss. I could never list them all in one blog. I have to bring them up a little at a time. The ones I talked about today are all part of the WLSFA and a huge part of this Vegas trip I leave for a week from Thursday.
Today, I was informed that I was pretty much going to hate Vegas by a good friend of mine on Facebook. She told me that Vegas was notoriously clicky and that it breeds exclusivity. Well folks, guess what, that isn’t how this Seeker rolls, so I’m going to squash it pretty quickly by saying this…
ANYONE is welcome ANYWHERE I go outside of my hotel room and WLSFA Stuff in Vegas. So… if you want an exclusive environment, don’t invite me. I’m likely to tweet where I am to #DSSeekers and let anyone that follows me on Twitter know so they can join or post it on Facebook. I don’t believe in being exclusive, I didn’t drive all the way to CA from Oregon and decide to go to a WLS Vegas Party so I could go play secret society with my BFFs, I came to have fun with the WLS Crowd and by that I mean EVERYONE. I don’t have a lot of money to go do fancy things, so most of my time will likely be spent checking out casino scenery, walking the strip just because I can, playing some nickel slots in honor of my Father, and just being social with the people who I came all this way to meet, greet and get to know. There are before and after photos I can’t wait to see, people I can’t wait to hug, and stories I can’t wait to hear, because I KNOW you all have them to share.
This last picture is a photo of my favorite Teach, Ms. Karyn and some of my friends from the week I studied at the Cooper Institute in Dallas Texas to prepare for my Personal Trainer’s Certification Test. I like to gather together people who smile and throw their hands up in the air for me like this \O/ So make sure you come see me and we get a picture for my blog!
I believe that I can participate in this event and not fall prey to the Social Status, High School Environment social nightmare that I so often say I hate. No matter what size you are, what gender you are, how much you love or hate exercise, or where you are in your weight loss journey, you and I can find something to talk about and something to share with each other, I promise. I’d love to meet you. I’ll be participating in whatever social media the WLSFA has set up and using my own #DSSeekers tag as well on Twitter and of course you can like Desperately Seeking Slender on Facebook or just friend me personally and keep up with me there! I will also be hosting a peer-to-peer table discussion at the event on “Plastic Surgery from the Patient Perspective.” So be sure to sign up for it when you register if it is a topic that interests you! I’d love to meet you! #Inclusive #WLSFun #DSSeekers #WLSFA #ILOVETHISCOMMUNITY
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WLS Plastics from the Patient Perspective

This is likely one of the hardest blogs I will ever write for you, even as I do it, I am nervous, I am scared and I am self-conscious, but I feel that there is something we’re not talking about out loud in the WLS community and that is, the realism of results and success of body contouring and reconstructive plastic surgery to address the sagging skin that so often occurs after we have successfully lost a good amount of weight.

I get so many questions from readers and fellow Bariatric Surgery patients about plastics; but the thing I get asked the most is, “Can I see your before and after pictures?” I’ve usually quietly avoided the topic; I mean who in the world wants to show someone some of the most unflattering pictures of you ever taken, pretty much naked, with a bunch of extra skin hanging off your body?

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The Before Part of Plastics from the Patient Perspective:

Let’s talk about those before pictures for a moment. I hate them. I hate everything about them. For me personally, the skin hanging off my body was worse than the weight ever was. At 420 lb it was very easy for me to look at myself in the mirror and say “I’m cute, if you don’t think so flip off.” That got harder and harder for me as the skin started showing itself. I’d find myself standing in front of the mirror trying to see the 195 lb body that was underneath all that skin that was left behind and I was more self-conscious, more unhappy and found myself more unattractive than I had ever before.

For me, the biggest emotional success of my weight loss journey is the fact that I can honestly say that I have gone from being a victim, to being a survivor, to actually living for the first time.  For me there were several things I wanted from Plastic Surgery.

  • I wanted a body that represented the hard work I have put into it.
  • I wanted to remove the excess skin that I saw as remnants of my abusers hold on my life and their ability to still affect my life nearly twenty plus years later.
  • I wanted to enjoy exercising more because I didn’t have all this skin swinging off me when I moved.
  • I wanted to feel pretty again, or to be happy enough with myself at 195 lb that I could look in the mirror and say “I’m cute, if you don’t think so flip off.”

I did my research. I looked at before and after photos. I consulted with two different plastic surgeons and I selected my surgeon based on which one’s staff was more willing to work with my insurance. I had spoken to my insurance company several times about the possibility of Reconstructive Plastic Surgery after losing 260 lb and I had several ideas, tips, hints, and suggestions about how I might get the skin removal surgeries covered.

My approach was three-fold:

  1. My insurance covered “complications” of Gastric Bypass so my first approach was that the excess skin was a complication of Gastric Bypass surgery.
  2. My insurance company had told me that they would consider anything that was “Medically Necessary.” With the amount of extra skin I had on my body, I still had skin folds and rolls of skin on my body that allowed for things like rashes, infections and sores and removing the skin would alleviate these issues.
  3.  I have a diagnosis of Discoid Lupus. It is a skin disease that causes rashes and legions on your body, usually in sun exposed areas. For me however, with the excess skin, instead of just the normal photosensitive Lupus issues, I developed Lupus symptoms in the skin folds, in places where my skin touched skin, under my breasts, under my arms, under my stomach. Because of this diagnosis, the “Medical Necessity” of my plastics was even more prevalent.

Getting the insurance approvals on the surgeries wasn’t ever difficult. Of the three surgeries that I did, the insurance company denied only the second one the first time we submitted and that was largely due to the fact that we had included a breast augmentation and implants in the paperwork. All it took was a letter from my Plastic Surgeon clarifying what was medically necessary which was sent the day after we got the denial and just a few days later we had an approval.

We had the insurance approval. We were ready to get started. I was elated… and I had completely unrealistic expectations.

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The Hardest Part of all: The Recover, Recoup, Re-cut Phase

There are so many things about this phase of Body Contouring after plastic surgery that I feel I should share with you I am not even sure where to begin.

First let’s address one of the other questions I get all the time. “Was it painful?” – Yes. It was by far the most painful thing I have ever done in my entire life. I’ve had my tonsils pulled out, my wisdom teeth yanked, my appendix removed, I’ve had a hysterectomy, I’ve broken bones, I use to be a self-mutilator who liked to cut myself and I’ve been physically abused by people a lot stronger than me. NOTHING has ever hurt as bad as reconstructive plastic surgery. Was it worth it? Yes a hundred times over. But did it hurt? Yeah it sort of felt like I had been hit by a truck, severed in half and sewn back together.

And it wasn’t exactly easy on the emotions and feelings either. There were phases that were so difficult. Between surgeries I would hate the parts of my body that were not fixed. I’d stand in front of the mirror grabbing my skin, yanking and pulling on it to trying to envision what my body was going to be like when it was gone. I stopped going to the gym and swimming because I couldn’t handle how much skin was on my thighs and how horrible I felt I looked. It was amazing to me, at 420 lb I had no problem putting on a bathing suit even though I knew people would start at the size of my thighs in astonishment of their girth; but now, I couldn’t handle having anyone see all the skin hanging from them, it embarrassed me and humiliated me more than being heavy ever did. This is hard for a lot of people to understand and wrap their head around, so let me help you…

The hall was crowded, kids bustling around as they rushed to their lockers to get their books for their next class. She stood at her locker with her back against it, cradling her books to her chest as if she were protecting them.  Her right foot moved slightly as she readied herself to leave but it halted as a frown appeared on her face. Standing in front of her, blocking her way was one of the more popular girls; one of the “mean girls” if you will. “Awe look at the little fat girl hugging her books because nobody else wants to hug her. Stop eating Ding Dongs and Twinkies and you might not leave high school a never been kissed virgin.” The blond-haired girl clutching her books as if there was safety in them, took a deep breath and even though her voice cracked as tears threatened to stream down her face, she responded courageously, “I might be fat, but I can lose weight, you’re just ugly inside and out and you can’t ever change that.”

At 420 lb I had two things that I could console myself with whenever I felt ridiculed about my weight. I had the control in the knowledge that I could somehow change my situation, and I had the vision in my head of what I would look like when I did that.  Those two things are what helped me get through nearly 25 years of different unhealthy levels of obesity between the ages and sizes eleven to thirty-two.  Now that was gone.  Prior to my thigh lift surgery in November, I wouldn’t wear a bathing suit because I was so embarrassed of my thighs and because with the skin hanging off them, weighing 165 lbs  there was no more change that I personally could evoke to improve the situation. No amount of exercise was going to make it better, losing more weight would only make it worse, there was no more control and no more hope and it was an emotionally defeating place for me to be living.

Setting aside the physical and emotional aspects there were the financial ones as well. Now I will say I had some complications after the first surgery, but pretty much my year went like this.

  • January – Move Heather here so I had someone to help take care of me after the surgeries.
  • February – Reconstructive Surgery #1
  • March – Healing
  • April – Healing
  • May – Healing / Walked a Half Marathon
  • June – Healing waiting for Surgeons Release to move forward
  • July – Preparing & Submitting for next surgery
  • August – Reconstructive Surgery #2
  • September – Healing
  • October – Healing – Attended the OAC event and spent  1 month in CA with Family
  • November – Reconstructive Surgery #3
  • December – Healing

Now after the first surgery in February I had some complications that took a bit longer to heal from. But pretty much after each surgery for about 6 to 8 and sometimes even ten weeks I was pretty much a lump on a log healing unable to do much and definitely not working. I was very lucky, in that my insurance covered my surgeries thus allowing me to use a $22,500 loan I took out to pay for these surgeries to pay my portion of the first surgery and then, to live on throughout the year when I wasn’t working to keep the bills paid.

Even doing all that, by the end of the year I ended up $30,000 in debt on top of that on credit cards. But you know what, going into this my Family and I expected to end up somewhere around 60,000 in debt on plastic surgery, we’re not surprised to be here, but that doesn’t make it any more comfortable or less stressful and even though my household makes a decent amount of money, when you’ve been living paycheck to paycheck to make ends meet and you’ve maxed out your credit cards and taken out loans for your body that cost more each month than your car payment, it can be a bit overwhelming.   All that said would I do it again in a heartbeat? Yes. I would.

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After the plastics: The Realism of WLS Plastics

This was probably the hardest part of the entire journey for me. In fact, I am not sure that I can tell you with 100% certainty that I am beyond this part. What I can tell you is that my expectations coming into plastic surgery, despite what anyone told me, is that I would have a tight, lean body when all was said and done. Now is my body better than it was before? Hands down and I am grateful. But there are still some areas of my body that I would like improved. I would like my arms tighter and more symmetrical. I would like there to not be puddles of skin hanging from my abdomen when I do a push up. I’d like my breasts to be a bit fuller and I’d like there to not be extra skin hanging from my forearms.

These are things I want, and someday, if and when I can afford them, I will do them because they will make me happier. I’m not sure when that will be, but it will happen someday. In the meantime I won’t allow the little things that I am unhappy with myself about hinder where I am, what I am doing or invalidate the hard work and effort that has gone into having the body that I have, even if that body isn’t perfect.  The truth is I can never expect it to be. I am never going to have the body of a playboy model or a personal trainer who has never been 260 lbs overweight. What I do have is the body of a woman who used to weigh 420 lbs  lost weight and put it back on for years, and finally managed to get to a maintainable healthy weight and is working on being as fit and as healthy as her body will allow her to be. What I do have, is a body that can serve as an example to others who have lost or need to lose huge amounts of weight and give them a realistic idea of what they can expect afterwards so they are not as shocked and disappointed as I was when I realized that plastic surgery wasn’t going to get me the body I first envisioned.

It is with that goal in mind that I am publishing a Before and After Gallery of my Reconstructive Plastic Surgery.  If you’d liked to view these photos you can do so by visiting this link. The page is password protected to insure that you realize that the photos you are about to view are for educational purposes, and may be considered offensive to anyone that has a problem with partial nudity.  You will need to enter the password: PANDORASPLASTICS in order to open the page. By imputing the password you agree that you wish to view these photos.

Comments are not allowed on the gallery page itself but please feel free to post any comments or questions that you might have on this page instead. Please remember that I reserve the right to remove any offensive comments from my blog.  Basically, be kind, I am doing this to help educate people, not to be ridiculed or teased.

Excess Skin, Body Dimorphic Issues,  Weight Dissociation, Plastic Surgery, and Unhealthy Emotional Associations are something that I don’t think we talk about nearly enough in this community and that I do not feel there is nearly enough, patient side information out there on.

It is my intention to open the doors of communication here, and to try to be one of the voices that can both answer some of these questions, and, hopefully, advocate for others so that they might get the sort of medical coverage that I did paying for these life altering reconstructive surgeries.

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Author: Pandora Williams

Author of Desperately Seeking Slender

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BariLife has decided to send me back to Paris to represent the WLS Community as I attempt to find my love of running again.
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