Desperately Seeking Slender

In “Sex, Love and Obesity Part 20,” I talked about the day I finally got in my car and drove away. I was out of the house now, and the change in my stress and anxiety levels allowed me to stop turning to drugs and alcohol as coping mechanisms and escape.

Last week, in “Dissociative Identity Disorder – Six Women One Mind,” I tried to paint you a clear picture of how my system works and of the internal struggle that was going on in my mind as I tried to decide about what happened next. I wasn’t doing well at navigating my decisions when it came to sex, love and obesity. Because, every single part of me wanted something different.

Attempting to put that all together in a cooperative decision was proving quite difficult.

Part of me was in absolute protection mode.

I wanted to avoid Peter at all costs.  I didn’t feel safe anywhere near him, and I knew that if I was around him, some other part of me would get sucked back into his promises of a better future, his professions of undying love, and wind up going back for more.

My primary goal was to get as far away from him as humanly possible. My first instinct was to pack all of my stuff up and move to Dallas where I had a small group of very close friends. It made sense. My best friend, who is like a sister to me, as well as her husband and three children whom I consider my nieces and nephews are there. I would have family. Two of the women that I consider part of my “ride or die” squad live there. I would have friends. The organization that I got a large part of my fitness and wellness education from is there. I could pursue that farther. Dallas was a good place to start over.

In my mind, the small little town of Wilmington wasn’t big enough for both Peter and I. He was refusing to move out of the apartment that I had before he moved in, which was going to force me to have to move out and find another place to live. When it came to Peter (reasonable or not),  I feared for my mental, emotional and physical well-being if I didn’t get that distance. I was going to move to Dallas.

Part of me was in nostalgic mode.

Sex Love and Obesity 21-2

I wanted to avoid Peter at all costs, but I didn’t want to run away to Dallas. No, I wanted to stay with Clark. I loved Clark. I would always love Clark. Nothing was ever going to change that. The only reason that Clark and I were not together was because the relationship lacked passion and intimacy and my brain could not deal with that.

Around Clark I was calmer and more stable. There was absolutely no threat of danger. Clark provided a safety that only two other men in my life had ever provided, my Dad and my Godfather. When I told Clark that I was going to be moving to Dallas, the look on his face clearly told me that he still loved me as well. In fact, I believe that Clark will always love me. I believe that Clark’s love for me is unconditional. It doesn’t matter how many times I mess up. It doesn’t matter how many mistakes I make, at the end of the day, he will always love me.

I thought that love was enough. I had learned my lesson with Peter that amazing sex and grandiose gestures of romance were overrated. Clark truly loved me. It shouldn’t matter if our kisses didn’t feel like passionate movie moments and our sex life wasn’t something you could write smut novels about. Safety, security, stability. These were the things that counted. These were the things that made him my Superman and so clearly painted that “S” on his chest. I was going to start looking for a job where Clark lived and rekindle that relationship. I was going to move to Greensboro and stay with Clark.

Part of me was in fight or flight mode.

I wanted away from everyone. I was too twisted up inside. Nothing felt safe to me. There was no other option on the table that presented a potential result I was 100{6e74c841b8f362d8aea590534016dc569fd3035eeb9e530df8846b42682c6656} confident in. I wanted to go “home.” Which meant going back to the once place I knew without a shadow of a doubt was safe, my Godfather’s house.

My Godfather has been the hero of my story for my entire adult life. He’s the one that got me the medical and mental health assistance that I’ve needed to survive since I was eighteen years old. His home had provided me safety and a place to find sanity the last time I struggled with a full-blown system failure like the one I was experiencing now.

My Godfather has over 20 years of experience in being involved in the life of someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder. He is the one person in the entire world, now that my father is gone, that I trust 100{6e74c841b8f362d8aea590534016dc569fd3035eeb9e530df8846b42682c6656}. The one person I know will never hurt me, never cause me any physical or emotional pain. He is the one person I know will never break my heart. The one person I have in my corner that I know always has my best interest in heart. I was going to move back to California and stay with my Godfather until I got my brain back to a cooperative state.

Sex Love and Obesity 21Part of me wanted to fix things with Peter

I hoped that when faced with the threat of losing me, he would try to be a better man. I wanted us to go to couples’ therapy and work together to be better versions of ourselves.

While I didn’t miss the fighting and the confrontation, I missed the little things. The sweet little notes he’d leave for me, roses and flowers and cooking dinner together. I missed cuddling on the couch watching TV and the way he always smelled so good. I missed the emotional and passionate sex.

But, most of all, I missed how confident I was that he loved me. Peter was fighting for me. Nobody else had ever done that. Everyone else, my husband, Clark, they had let me go so easily.

I’ve been in a lot of long-distance relationships. There have been a lot of airport goodbyes. Each time, there would be this moment that you’re walking away and they are walking away, both going in opposite directions. In that moment, I’d look back, just to see if they looked back. I always thought, “If they look back, I know they feel the same way I do.” In fairness, most of them looked back. But, Peter was different. He never walked away. He’d stand there, watching me and not turn to leave until I was already well out of sight.

Peter had always been ready for a fight. Most of the time it was a fight with me. But, there had been a time when it felt more like a fight for me. I saw that again, now that he was about to lose me. And, since I had never really seen anyone fight for me, or fight to keep me, it was a fight that I really wanted him to win.

Part of me just wanted to throw my hands in the air and give up.

“Fuck’em, feed ‘em fish.” There is a point where you just go, “This is all fucked up.” Nothing I do is going to matter. The cards are all going to fall wherever they are going to fall. Everything is in chaos, I might as well enjoy the chaos and try to have some fun in the process. Which for me, means “I’m just going to go get my freak on.”

I wanted to feel something. Because, typically I feel nothing. A numbness exists inside me that allows me to mask pain, both mental and physical. As a teenager I used to cut myself and watch myself bleed to remind myself that I wasn’t completely numb. But, somewhere along the way I learned that sex achieved the same thing. The act itself reminds me that I am capable of feeling and breaking past the numbness.  I wanted to hurt someone else. Not in a malicious way, but in a sadistic way.

I wanted to screw my brains out and play whip me beat me games in the bedroom. But, this time I didn’t want to be on the submissive end of things, I wanted to be the one in control. I wanted to be the one calling the shots. I wanted to be on the other side of the whip. So, I created profiles on alternative lifestyle websites. I started talking to men that wanted to be submissive. It was going to take some time to figure out what would happen next. All of my collective parts wanted different things. So, in the meantime, I was going to get some aggression and anger out. I was going to do what I wanted, when I wanted, with who I wanted.

Sex Love and Obesity 21-3Part of me wanted to prove that I was stronger than all of this.

I worked hard to get where I am. I was dead set that I wasn’t going to allow Peter, myself, or anyone else destroy that. It was time to focus on my career and the dream that I had been chasing since losing weight. I’d focus on how I could help others fight obesity and work toward my dream of owning my own fitness business. That had been the intrinsic motivation pushing me to be a better version of myself. I was going to chase that dream. Forget boys, toys, relationships, and love.

Being afraid of Peter wasn’t going to force me to run away from a town where I had established myself and built a career. I was going back to work. I’d drive the three and a half hours into town on Mondays and stay with a good friend throughout the week. Then, I would drive back to Clark’s on Fridays and spend the weekend there.

No matter where I ended up, having a job that allowed me to work remotely would be ideal. So, I was going to build that. I’d dip back into my skills in web design and graphics design, create a new website and launch my own online business. If I did that, it wouldn’t matter if I ended up in Dallas, Greensboro, California or anywhere else. My focus was on a future that didn’t involve needing any man to make me feel physically safe, emotionally stable or financially secure.

I was going to prove to everyone, including myself, that despite this set-back, I was stronger than any of this. And, I was going to use my strength to help empower others to do the same.

My life as far as love and obesity had unraveled.

Every part of me was going in a different direction. It didn’t take long before the part of me that wanted to go to Dallas conceded that probably wasn’t the best plan. The part of me that wanted to run away to California realized that wasn’t really necessary or ideal either. But, outside of those two decisions I had four very distinctly different paths.

But, before I made any final decisions, there were things to do first. I had to go to California and run this half marathon I was signed up for. Then, I needed to go to Portland and gather all of the things I’d left there when I ran away from my marriage and get all of my things to one central location. Plus, I had to go to this convention and give this presentation I was scheduled to give.

I wasn’t physically prepared. I hadn’t run in months. How, or even if, I could pull off a half marathon, was a prevalent question in my mind. My presentation was written. But, it wasn’t practiced or polished and I wasn’t mentally ready to do any of it.

I was falling apart at the seams. But, I was going to make sure that one thing happened, the world was going to see Pandora do this, and they weren’t going to know that I was hanging on to sanity by a thin little thread because my entire life had unraveled on me.

Have you been following the Sex, Love and Obesity series?

If not, you can go back to the beginning “Sex Love and Obesity – Part 1

Desperately Seeking Slender - Pandora Williams

Pandora Williams author of Desperately Seeking Slender is an ISSA Certified Personal Trainer and Cooper Institute Approved Wellness Coach Trained in Weight Management Strategies. Her training and coaching services are offered exclusively through GoGirl Fitness Studio.