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Sex Love and Obesity Part 4

Last week, in Sex Love and Obesity Part 3 we left off at the point where I had decided to stay in my marriage and focus on myself for once.

I wasn’t sure when I was going to leave, or even, IF I was going to leave. Because somewhere in my mind I still believed that losing the weight might fix things. At this point I thought maybe if I focused on myself, I could inadvertently fix us both and save the marriage.

I stayed, because I had things I needed to do for myself before I left.

I’d spent the better part of 7 years of my life in this BDSM relationship where I was constantly in service to him, and I decided that for ONCE in my life I was going to have to put myself first instead of someone else. I stayed, and I had my gastric bypass.

There were moments over the next year that I wavered back and forth with my decision to leave. First, I waited to see if he found us a therapist and followed through with that promise. He didn’t. I waited to see if me losing weight changed the lying about online affairs and relationships. It didn’t. I waited to see if losing weight changed how affectionate he was with me, or whether he ever tried to instigate sex with me. It didn’t.

I started having my own online relationships outside of our marriage.

Why not? What’s good for the goose, right? I got deeply emotionally involved with someone in the online vampire role-play games that I played when I wasn’t taking phone calls or working.

When that first started I thought I was talking to a boy. When I later found out that boy was a girl, it added a whole new level of complexity to my life. Could I care about a woman like that? I wasn’t sure.

I began to rekindle an online romance that I had with a man prior to my husband. We’d had this on again off again internet and telephone relationship that had spawned out of my job as a phone sex operator. I ran to him any time things with my husband got bad. Of course, that entire relationship was based on fake photos, lies about who I was, and false promises of a relationship I could never deliver. In other words, I was cat-fishing him.

I didn’t lie about my online relationships like my husband did. I told him about them, kept them out in the open and offered him the honesty that he had never afforded me. He didn’t seem to care.

Weight Loss Progression

March 2011 – Weight: 250 lbs.

A couple of months later my Father had his first stroke and I spent three months in California trying to deal with that whole situation. My husband was there for me a lot through that horrible time. We started to get close again. I might have even forgiven him a little bit.

There was a stretch of time there for about 10 months when I bounced back and forth with my decision to leave. Him being there for me so much through my Father passing away helped heal some of the hurt and anger I felt. But then I found out he was still lying to me about the online relationships – apparently it was something he just wasn’t ever going to stop lying about.

His illness seemed to be progressing quickly.

He was taking so much Vicodin that he was filling scripts I had for Vicodin prior to my surgery without me realizing he was doing it and over medicating. I kept wondering why he was passing out on the couch after getting home every night. It wasn’t until I broke my ankle and tried to fill that script myself only to have them tell me it had been filled a couple of weeks prior that I started to realize what was going on. Of course, he denied that and lied about that too.

Anytime he got caught in a lie he’d deny it and make up an excuse. Sometimes his excuses were so out there I’d be offended by how stupid he must have thought I was to think I’d believe them. Other times the excuses left me thinking he was telling the truth and I was just to bitter and jaded with all the lying to ever believe him.

In this case, the excuse was that our legal names were so similar he must have grabbed the wrong bottle and called my prescription in by mistake.

Within a few months the Vicodin addiction prompted me to go to our family physician privately and express my concerns. Next thing I knew my husband was on Oxycodone instead of Vicodin. He stopped having the online affairs because he stopped doing pretty much anything. He’d go to work, come home, pop pills, sit on the couch and sleep.

I thought losing weight would fix our relationship and save my marriage. Get us back to who and what we were when we first started. But it didn’t.

Weight Loss Progression

November 2011 – Weight: 195 lbs.

As I lost weight he gained it. As I became more active, he became more inactive.

Before too long, I found myself in the very same place he had been in at the beginning of our relationship. I wasn’t attracted to him physically. Physical attraction is an obstacle the heart can overcome.  But, I wasn’t attracted to him emotionally anymore either. I resented his inactivity and his lack of desire to be the best version of himself. I questioned if I wanted to spend the rest of my life taking care of someone who refused to take care of themselves. But more than anything I resented the pill popping prescription drug addict he had become.

He was supposed to be the Dominant and the strong one in our relationship. I was supposed to respect him. But I had no respect for him anymore. That respect had been tarnished by years of him laying the financial responsibility at my feet, unnecessarily lying to me, and by his denial about the abuse of pain killers.

Without respect and trust, the very foundation of the relationship was over. I knew this. Losing weight hadn’t changed anything in my love life. What it had done, was open my eyes up to how broken the relationship was. Losing weight had made it worse. Because I didn’t have that to blame anymore. My scapegoat was gone, and I had to start accepting reality.

I watched our marriage, relationship and life together slowly circle the drain and used exercise as my escape while I started to try to figure out my exit strategy.

It was October of 2011, I weighed 175 lb., the least I had weighed in my entire adult life. I was confident that having lost all that weight I could pursue a new life, find someone else, and be happy. My weight hadn’t fixed my marriage, but I was pretty sure it was going to make finding a new healthy relationship easier.

Yeah. I was wrong about that too.

In Sex Love and Obesity Part 5 – Realizing that losing weight isn’t a magic “life is great!” pill


Pandora Williams author of Desperately Seeking Slender is an ISSA Certified Personal Trainer and Cooper Institute Approved Wellness Coach Trained in Weight Management Strategies. Her training and coaching services are offered exclusively through GoGirl Fitness Studio.

Sex Love and Obesity Part 3

Last week, in Sex Love and Obesity Part 2 we left off at the point where I had found out my insurance would not pay for bariatric surgery and I had depression eaten my way to 420 lb.

“Do you believe in the nobility of suicide?”

As harsh as it may sound it’s a question I ask people who don’t seem to understand how dramatically obesity can impact your health both physically and mentally.

At that point in my life, I did, and that is exactly what I was doing. I had resigned myself to the fact that I was going to die before 40 and I was digging my grave with a fork and spoon.

I was diabetic and taking insulin shots three times a day. I had high blood pressure, high cholesterol, sleep apnea, and severe edema – all of which were requiring medical treatment. I had a plethora of medical conditions that were brought on by my obesity, and it didn’t matter because there was no way that I was going to lose over 200 pounds and be able to keep it off without the help of bariatric surgery.

I was 35-years-old, I hated my life, and I didn’t really believe that I was worthy of anything better.

I was content to die from obesity.

Nothing in my marriage was getting better, we were still in the same holding pattern of being strangers that passed in the hallway with nothing more than a few words exchanged. I felt alone. The marriage was physically and emotionally vacant.

He continued to not try to find a job and take unemployment until it ran out. Essentially, he was sitting on the sidelines watching me drown in the mess that had become our life together.

We never fought; I wasn’t allowed to fight with him and he was exceptional at sticking his head in the sand and pretending that problems didn’t exist in a hope that they would go away. I figured that at that point in our life, I was just one of those problems he was escaping and sooner or later he would bury me and find someone more in line with who and what he wanted.

This was the life I was living when I got a call from my Father. He told me a story about how he woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare that I had passed away and confided in me that he spent his days worrying that he was going to outlive me and that all he wanted for me was a happy and healthy life.

Two days later I got a letter from the insurance company explaining that they had changed our insurance plan to include coverage for bariatric surgery.

Something inside me clicked at that moment.

I saw a light at the end of the tunnel and I was willing to chase it. I didn’t want my then 85-year-old father to spend the rest of his days worried about me and I suddenly decided that I wanted to live. That same day I started making phone calls to try to get a consultation appointment with a bariatric surgeon.

I borrowed enough money from my Godfather to pay off all the credit card debt that we had gotten into living on them to pay the bills and buy groceries while our finances were in a downward spiral. I sold him my Jeep to get us out from underneath one of our car payments and get our finances back to something we could afford to keep up with on my dwindling income.

I moved us out of the rent to own house we were living in, knowing we were not going to qualify for any sort of loan to allow us to buy it with the end of the 4-year lease terms just a few months away. We moved back into an apartment that was nearly $500 a month cheaper to give us more breathing room financially. My husband finally went back to work again, and things started to look like they were going in the right direction.

I started the process of having bariatric surgery. I started working on meeting all of the pre-operative requirements.

I still believed that if I lost the weight I could save the marriage.

I chalk much of that up to denial, delusions and an overall desire to believe that people will do the right thing.

I started exercising, a lot. I began using it as an emotional outlet and a way to get my weight down to what the Bariatric Surgeon required to put me on the table.  Between August of 2009 and September of 2010, I had managed to lose nearly 70 lb. and get my BMI was where it needed to be to meet my surgeon’s requirements.

I was about 4 weeks away from my scheduled surgery date of October 19th, 2010 when I found out that my husband had been lying to me, yet again about his online affairs.

This time the lie had been going on right in front of my face for the better part of a year. The woman involved was someone I knew from the online games I played. This time around I wasn’t sure that I could forgive him. There were letters talking about how he was waiting for his daughter to graduate from high school and turn eighteen so that he could leave me. There was talk about in person visits and emails about how the only reason he stayed with me was because of money.

I considered leaving at that point. I had a bag packed and was ready to get on a train to California and go stay with my best friend and her husband. The sting of betrayal was so deep I was almost sure there was no coming back. But he asked me not to go, and agreed to find a therapist to see together to try to fix our marriage.

My best friend, who is like a sister to me, told me I could come and stay with her as long and I wanted.  But, she also told me that she felt that I really needed to stay there. We discussed how instead of trying to fix the marriage, which we all knew was sort of lost cause at that point, I needed to focus on myself. I needed to make sure I stayed where I was because I needed to be available for all of my doctor’s appointments and to make sure that the surgery actually happened.

Stay at that point was hard. I was angry. 

The next few weeks were terrible. I was angry all the time. I buried myself more and more in exercise. During the first week, he came home with a sore on his foot and that quickly went from bad to worse and landed him in the hospital with a horrible infection in his foot. He was given a diagnosis of a rare muscle degeneration disease called Charcot Marie Tooth. The diagnosis was bad. It really wasn’t something that was treatable, he’d just have to accept that it would get worse and worse and they would just have to continue to medicate him more and more to try to compensate.

He was in the hospital for two weeks and I hardly visited. I was just too angry with him over the betrayal. I didn’t want to be anywhere near him, even if he was in the hospital, in pain and dealing with his new diagnosis.

In Sex Love and Obesity Part 4, we’ll talk about how I started putting myself first – sometimes.


Pandora Williams author of Desperately Seeking Slender is an ISSA Certified Personal Trainer and Cooper Institute Approved Wellness Coach Trained in Weight Management Strategies. Her training and coaching services are offered exclusively through GoGirl Fitness Studio.
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Author: Pandora Williams

Author of Desperately Seeking Slender

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