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Sex Love and Obesity Part 5

In Sex Love and Obesity Part 4 we discussed the emotional end of my marriage. How I was about to move on and how I confident that having lost all that weight I would have no problem finding happiness with someone else.

Losing weight isn’t a magic “life is great!” pill.

Shocking isn’t it? I’d spent the better part of my adult life suffering from obesity and I was 100% sure it was going to fix all my issues.

My marriage was pretty much over. Whether we were admitting it out loud of not yet, we were both exploring our options outside of the relationship on a regular basis. I guess you could say that we had decided to have an open marriage.

My father had passed away and I was struggling with dealing with the grief. In my mind I had lost the only man in the world that was ever going to unconditionally love me. Losing that unconditional love made me want romantic love even more. I wanted my happily ever after. I wanted that person in my life that I could count on to be there no matter what life brought next.

In the book about my life, the next few chapters would be called “Chasing November”

I have no idea why, but November seems to be a significant month for me regarding relationships.

In November of 2011 after a long talk with my husband, I decided to try to compensate for what I wasn’t getting out of the marriage, sex, attention, companionship, by adding a third person to our household.

So, in November of 2011 I invited an “online friend,” to come for a visit.

The first visit was wonderful. Everything about the relationship was new and exciting and perfect. We spent about 2 weeks together and I was certain that adding a second relationship to my life would make me happy. I’d get what I wanted and needed out of a relationship physically and emotionally and at the same time, my marriage could go on being what it had already been for the better part of the last 8 years. I’d continue being the submissive house slave that made sure the house was clean, the laundry was done, and all the bills were getting paid on time, and maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t resent it all so much if I had someone else that was making feel fulfilled.

I know it sounds crazy, but remember, I’d basically grown up in a BDSM related community. I’d seen these types of arrangements since I was 19 years old. To me, it made perfect sense.

In my mind adding a third person to the relationship would be a win/win situation all the way around. We’d be helping someone else get out of a living situation they wanted out of and putting a band-aid on our own problems at the same time.

All three of us were struggling financially. I was about to start a year-long process of reconstructive surgery to remove all the excess skin left after losing 260 lbs. We couldn’t afford for my husband to take time off work to be with me recovering from those surgeries. So, we decided to move someone to Oregon, put a roof over their head, and give them a chance to rebuild their life while helping me recover from my surgeries and see if there was any validity to the “Three’s Company” lifestyle.

My reconstructive surgeries happened in February, August, and then November. I blame a little of the failure of that relationship attempt on the fact that they were always taking care of me.

I blame some of it on the level of resentment that existed in the house. It created a level of tension in the house that just never faded.

I blame part of it on the fact that truthfully, it wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t really want an open marriage or an open relationship. I didn’t want to be with people who were willing to share me, my affection or attention with each other, or anyone else for that matter. It wasn’t who I was or how I was built.

I was still making compromises. I still didn’t value myself enough to stand up and say, “Hey this isn’t what I want,” because I didn’t think I was worthy enough to have what I really wanted.

But I blame most of it on the fact that we argued constantly and that somehow a combination of all of that had me in another sexless relationship.

Basically that “November Magic” never appeared again.

We fought the way my family had fought with each other when I was growing up. We fought the way my mother and I had fought with each other for most of my life.

Our arguments turned into full-blown fights that escalated to the point that they became toxic and volatile. We said cruel things to each other.

Since that magic wasn’t there, neither was the attention, affection and in my mind, the love, that I was so desperately searching for. Which just lead me right back into a feeling that I obviously don’t handle very well – resentment.

A year into the situation, I was sitting there thinking, “We pay for everything for you. You haven’t had to work for a year. You have absolutely everything you could want. We moved you and your things here, we furnished your room, we pay for all your food,” and I resented that after doing all of that for someone else, I was repaid with an argumentative and unappreciative attitude. But even more I resented that the fulfillment aspect of the relationship, the love I was seeking through physicality and sexuality wasn’t there.

Don’t get me wrong, every situation has a silver lining. There were some good moments. Looking back on it 7 years later it’s hard for me to remember what they were. We I traveled a lot. We went to conventions, we visited friends and family together. But usually, no matter what we were doing we ended up in a fight and I hadn’t learned that constant conflict like that was an issue for me.

It’s not that I enjoy fighting. I don’t. But I don’t know how to disengage from an argument. I don’t know how to stop. Once it starts I’m instantly in that self-defensive mode I learned to constantly live in during my childhood and it brings out ugly parts of me.

I do better in relationships with people who are non-confrontational. People who can have very calm and rational discussions rather than arguments. People who help keep me cool and grounded with their tone and demeanor.

These are things I didn’t know about myself yet.

A dysfunctional family, a childhood of arguing, a history of emotional, physical, sexual and verbal abuse had all lead me to Obesity. I knew that. But I didn’t realize that I used food as a way of coping with feelings that were associated with them.

I was married to someone who was non-confrontational. He never raised his voice, we never argued. Even when things got heated, we had “discussions” not “disagreements.” We had been married for going on nine years and I could count the number of “fights” we’d had on one hand. Suddenly I was in a relationship were we fought constantly, and I’d hadn’t had to deal with the kinds of emotions that brought with it in any relationship before.

But when faced with them in a new relationship I quickly found that I was at a handicap. Because when I made the decision to have gastric bypass surgery and essentially ended the relationship I had with food and my ability to use it as a coping mechanism for emotions I didn’t know how to do deal with, I didn’t really have a coping mechanism left.

I had learned how to use exercise as an emotional outlet. But I was in the middle of the reconstructive surgery processes and each surgery would leave me unable to exercise for 6-12 weeks during the recovery time. So that outlet wasn’t available to me either.

Nobody had prepared me for this. Nobody had warned me how not having food as a coping mechanism might change my ability to deal with emotions and feelings. Nobody warned me that ending my relationship with food could dramatically change how I had relationships with other people.

Nobody had prepared me for the fact that once I lost all the weight I might still find myself in relationships with people who didn’t find sex as important as I did. In my mind, once I lost all the weight and had all the reconstructive surgery to remove the skin, I’d be super attractive for the first time in my life and finding someone who wanted to have an amazing and active sex life would be easy.

Nobody warned me losing weight wasn’t a magic “life is great” pill. I was learning that lesson very quickly though, I just had no idea what to do about it.

Stay tuned for Sex Love and Obesity Part 6 – Finding the “U” in Weight Loss


Pandora Williams author of Desperately Seeking Slender is an ISSA Certified Personal Trainer and Cooper Institute Approved Wellness Coach Trained in Weight Management Strategies. Her training and coaching services are offered exclusively through GoGirl Fitness Studio.

Sex Love and Obesity Part 4

Last week, in Sex Love and Obesity Part 3 we left off at the point where I had decided to stay in my marriage and focus on myself for once.

I wasn’t sure when I was going to leave, or even, IF I was going to leave. Because somewhere in my mind I still believed that losing the weight might fix things. At this point I thought maybe if I focused on myself, I could inadvertently fix us both and save the marriage.

I stayed, because I had things I needed to do for myself before I left.

I’d spent the better part of 7 years of my life in this BDSM relationship where I was constantly in service to him, and I decided that for ONCE in my life I was going to have to put myself first instead of someone else. I stayed, and I had my gastric bypass.

There were moments over the next year that I wavered back and forth with my decision to leave. First, I waited to see if he found us a therapist and followed through with that promise. He didn’t. I waited to see if me losing weight changed the lying about online affairs and relationships. It didn’t. I waited to see if losing weight changed how affectionate he was with me, or whether he ever tried to instigate sex with me. It didn’t.

I started having my own online relationships outside of our marriage.

Why not? What’s good for the goose, right? I got deeply emotionally involved with someone in the online vampire role-play games that I played when I wasn’t taking phone calls or working.

When that first started I thought I was talking to a boy. When I later found out that boy was a girl, it added a whole new level of complexity to my life. Could I care about a woman like that? I wasn’t sure.

I began to rekindle an online romance that I had with a man prior to my husband. We’d had this on again off again internet and telephone relationship that had spawned out of my job as a phone sex operator. I ran to him any time things with my husband got bad. Of course, that entire relationship was based on fake photos, lies about who I was, and false promises of a relationship I could never deliver. In other words, I was cat-fishing him.

I didn’t lie about my online relationships like my husband did. I told him about them, kept them out in the open and offered him the honesty that he had never afforded me. He didn’t seem to care.

Weight Loss Progression

March 2011 – Weight: 250 lbs.

A couple of months later my Father had his first stroke and I spent three months in California trying to deal with that whole situation. My husband was there for me a lot through that horrible time. We started to get close again. I might have even forgiven him a little bit.

There was a stretch of time there for about 10 months when I bounced back and forth with my decision to leave. Him being there for me so much through my Father passing away helped heal some of the hurt and anger I felt. But then I found out he was still lying to me about the online relationships – apparently it was something he just wasn’t ever going to stop lying about.

His illness seemed to be progressing quickly.

He was taking so much Vicodin that he was filling scripts I had for Vicodin prior to my surgery without me realizing he was doing it and over medicating. I kept wondering why he was passing out on the couch after getting home every night. It wasn’t until I broke my ankle and tried to fill that script myself only to have them tell me it had been filled a couple of weeks prior that I started to realize what was going on. Of course, he denied that and lied about that too.

Anytime he got caught in a lie he’d deny it and make up an excuse. Sometimes his excuses were so out there I’d be offended by how stupid he must have thought I was to think I’d believe them. Other times the excuses left me thinking he was telling the truth and I was just to bitter and jaded with all the lying to ever believe him.

In this case, the excuse was that our legal names were so similar he must have grabbed the wrong bottle and called my prescription in by mistake.

Within a few months the Vicodin addiction prompted me to go to our family physician privately and express my concerns. Next thing I knew my husband was on Oxycodone instead of Vicodin. He stopped having the online affairs because he stopped doing pretty much anything. He’d go to work, come home, pop pills, sit on the couch and sleep.

I thought losing weight would fix our relationship and save my marriage. Get us back to who and what we were when we first started. But it didn’t.

Weight Loss Progression

November 2011 – Weight: 195 lbs.

As I lost weight he gained it. As I became more active, he became more inactive.

Before too long, I found myself in the very same place he had been in at the beginning of our relationship. I wasn’t attracted to him physically. Physical attraction is an obstacle the heart can overcome.  But, I wasn’t attracted to him emotionally anymore either. I resented his inactivity and his lack of desire to be the best version of himself. I questioned if I wanted to spend the rest of my life taking care of someone who refused to take care of themselves. But more than anything I resented the pill popping prescription drug addict he had become.

He was supposed to be the Dominant and the strong one in our relationship. I was supposed to respect him. But I had no respect for him anymore. That respect had been tarnished by years of him laying the financial responsibility at my feet, unnecessarily lying to me, and by his denial about the abuse of pain killers.

Without respect and trust, the very foundation of the relationship was over. I knew this. Losing weight hadn’t changed anything in my love life. What it had done, was open my eyes up to how broken the relationship was. Losing weight had made it worse. Because I didn’t have that to blame anymore. My scapegoat was gone, and I had to start accepting reality.

I watched our marriage, relationship and life together slowly circle the drain and used exercise as my escape while I started to try to figure out my exit strategy.

It was October of 2011, I weighed 175 lb., the least I had weighed in my entire adult life. I was confident that having lost all that weight I could pursue a new life, find someone else, and be happy. My weight hadn’t fixed my marriage, but I was pretty sure it was going to make finding a new healthy relationship easier.

Yeah. I was wrong about that too.

In Sex Love and Obesity Part 5 – Realizing that losing weight isn’t a magic “life is great!” pill


Pandora Williams author of Desperately Seeking Slender is an ISSA Certified Personal Trainer and Cooper Institute Approved Wellness Coach Trained in Weight Management Strategies. Her training and coaching services are offered exclusively through GoGirl Fitness Studio.
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Author: Pandora Williams

Author of Desperately Seeking Slender

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