I don’t think that anyone that is not severely overweight can really understand the pain that we go through. I don’t think they can understand the constant insecurity, the constant stress and worry about what other people are thinking, the fear of how we are looked at, the embarrassment of being pointed at as you are walking down the street and having kids laugh at you. Teenagers are the best, you know that group of adolescent boys standing outside a store you are walking into that just have to made sounds at you as you walk by, moo at you, bark at you, or call out some horrible cruel comment.

Its been a very long time now since Jason and I have done things that required me to go out in public too much. Between my size and the economy we have all but stopped going out to dinner, going to movies, or doing much of anything accept a bit of shopping here and there when necessary.  The last two times we went to the movies were to see the new Twilight films after I had fallen in love with the books and both times we purposely went to late night shows, at three o’clock in the morning to avoid a crowd. It allowed me to be more comfortable and enjoy the movie.

Last summer when my best friend and I were going to the New Kids on the Block concert instead of flying out I chose to take the train, I spoke with a representative at Amtrak ahead of time they put me in the handicap section of the train because of my size to allow me to be more comfortable. Basically I had two seats all to myself without having to pay for the price of two seats to fly alone since Jason wasn’t going. But it’s stressful, being so big that you actually have to think about all of this and stress out about it, worry about it, and be self conscious about it, when you are trying to have fun and enjoy yourself.

It’s the same reason that people like me don’t go to the Gym. Who really wants to be that 400lb girl in the gym dying on the treadmill as she walks 2.5 MPH with the skinny people running 5Ks on them and staring at you while you gasp for air like you are about to die. This isn’t me feeling sorry for myself either; this is just me being honest. We find ways to work around these things, ways to learn to live with them and still be happy, but it’s not easy, it is a struggle, and one that I am so tired of battling with.

Anyways, just some random thoughts that came to mind since I just recently had to go to the movies alone to see the new Twilight on opening night since Jason had to work the next day. I ended up going to a three o-clock in the morning show again to avoid the crowd and I still suffered from the “You know they are all looking at me thinking, of course she is here alone she is too fat for anyone to love her” mindset.

Anyways, enough about that. I was doing a bit of research today about life after Bariatric surgery and trying to prepare myself. I’ve been trying to make changes I know I am going to have to make now, rather than having to make so many changes all at once and feeling overwhelmed. I’ve already quit smoking, quit drinking diet soda or pretty much anything carbonated, given up coffee, today I was looking into all the vitamins and protein drinks and powders that I’m going to need and I have to say I was a little stressed out about the costs of things. 12 Protein drinks is like $45 and from what I’ve read I will have to drink 2-3 a day. And Vitamins are at the tune of like $75 a month for the entourage of supplements you seem to need after Bariatric surgery, so that’s all stressing me out a little bit. I’m hoping I’m just seeing the really expensive stuff and that there is cheaper stuff out there.

Alright well its 1am, I haven’t eaten anything since 9pm and now I can’t drink anything but small sips of water because I am going in tomorrow morning for my lab work. So I’m going  to call it a night and try to sleep through the next 8 hours of fasting.