It’s 4:30am as I begin writing this and I have to leave for the hospital in three hours. I had an alarm set for 6:00am but I haven’t been able to sleep hardly at all tonight, this has definitely been one of the worst nights of my journey so far…

My surgeon instructed me to take  Milk of Magnesia yesterday morning. It had no effect on me all throughout the day, then suddenly, at about 1:00am this morning I woke up with most urgent need to go to the bathroom that I think I have ever experienced. I’ve tried to go to back to sleep numerous times only to wake up with the exact same feeling. I’m literally amazed that after 4 weeks of Skim Milk and a day of clear liquids I even have this much poop left in me. It’s been horribly frustrating.

My dreams, have been more like nightmares I guess, but not horror ones, I keep having dreams that I messed up. That I ate to fast and made myself sick. That I took to big of a bite and got the foamies, that I didn’t chew something good enough and it got stuck.

In and effort to console myself this morning and remind myself that I’ve done a very good job and that I AM READY for this, I decided to step on the scale. Now my scale always reads a little different than the ones at the doctors office does, but usually mine is higher, this morning my scale says 322 – which would give me a total Pre-Op Weight loss of 73lbs. Of course my OCD kicks in and wishes I’d been able to lose 2 more pounds so I had a nice even 75. I guess I shouldn’t have skipped the gym that ONE day this week.

I’m giving up on the idea of sleeping. Though since I cant even drink anything at this point, being awake is pretty miserable. All these weeks I’ve hated milk, and even a sip of that would be better than this horrible dryness in my mouth.

I’m almost there now, I’ve been working on this for a very long time, and I’ve accomplished so much already. I’ve quit smoking for over six months now, I’ve given up caffeine, I’ve given up soda, I’ve followed the pre-op diet, I stuck to the Milk only diet, I’ve exercised avidly and I’ve got 72 pounds of weight loss under my belt to attest to it all.

And yet here I am, just a few hours before surgery, having nightmares that I will mess this up.

I know that my future and my progress depends on how hard I try, how much diligence I can show and how much I can change my habits, and I KNOW I can do this, I’ve already changed so much in the last four months to get here.

So why am I so scared?

I think that it’s because I realize as I walk in there this morning that I’m temporarily losing my new best friend. I’ve used exercise, walking and swimming as my replacement for food, as a replacement for emotional eating, boredom eating, sad eating, angry eating and even happy eating. It’s been a very healthy replacement, one I am not unhappy or unsatisfied with. But today I have that impending sense that when I wake up from surgery this afternoon that is all gone for a while, and I wonder if I was wrong to have not developed another replacement as well.

I think its because I’m afraid that with the last month of nothing but liquid I haven’t learned to drink slowly, chew slowly and take small bites, I haven’t had the time to practice and it scares me.

Right now I just wish these last few hours before I leave for the hospital would be over and done with. These final moments ahead of time are giving me way too much time to over think.

I have no idea why, but this morning a Robert Frost poem that I studied back in High School came to mind, and in my need to find something to calm my nerves a little I decided to go read it, I figured I would share it with you all as well.

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening
by Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.