2018 – Year of Lemonade

journey where I am perfectly content with the choices that I made and where they led. There were no epic mistakes that shook the foundation of my world.

Of course, there are a few things I wish had gone a little differently. I’ll tell you about those in a minute. But first, let’s talk about the things that made 2018 awesome.

She encouraged me to do so, not because it benefited the studio much, it didn’t. If anything it took time away from the studio. But as someone who read my blog, she felt that my exodus and decision not to write was selfish. There was so much about my journey the previous year I was ashamed to write about that I had fallen into silence. Essentially, I had abandoned my readers because I didn’t want to be judged, ridiculed or looked down on.

[ See Related : If You Are Reading This – I Owe You An Apology ]

It might appear silly now, looking back on it in retrospect. As I began telling my story and allowing my voice to break through the silence, I was met with nothing but support and understanding. When people began to realize what I had been going through over the course of the last two years, my silence made sense. The Sex Love and Obesity series began sharing that part of my life with you. 20 Chapters of how my long term battle with obesity had effected my self-esteem and self-worth to a point that it effected almost every decision I made when it came to sex, love and relationships.

My stay of silence wasn’t limited to words never written. In the throws of the sadness that fed the silence there was the addition of quiet footsteps as my feet ceased to hit pavement. I found myself struggling to find the motivation I once had to run again. My return to blogging and my transparent approach to sharing this truth came with it a big reward. As a result of partnering with once again, I received the chance to travel back to Paris for a chance to relive an experience that could have been awesome the first time around.

Why was I dating someone I didn’t already know was special in the first place? Good question. Short answer, I was experimenting and trying new things. This was the first relationship in my entire adult life that had not been established and cultivated online. Sure, we had met on match.com. But we had our first date after just a few written correspondences and from there, I was trying something new in life, developing a relationship the old fashion way.

We were actually dating. It was an interesting adventure for me. Something I’d never really done before. “We met online, we met in person, we moved in together, it didn’t work out.” That statement defines every relationships proceeding this one. Not this time though. Contrasting the past, I was making sure everything was right before making commitments and saying “I love you.”

For the first time, the man I was dating wasn’t absently supportive. He was walking alongside me. Participating in the things that were important to me. There was no jealousy or animosity, only happiness and contentment at seeing my success. There were no feelings of entrapment or resentment. Contrary to relationships where my partner was supportive but uninterested in my life, #TheSecurityGuy was holding my hand every step of the way.

Opposing my last relationship, where any stress I was experiencing was exponentiated, he was calming and soothing during moments of stress of crisis. Calming my chaos rather than amplifying it.

While I was suffering the grief of that loss, the fitness studio I work for was suffering the economic grief that Hurricane Florence left in her wake. Attendance was down and new business came to a screeching halt as the entire city was focusing on restoration and recovery.

October became November and the holidays arrived. The holidays. Notoriously the worst time of year in the fitness industry. A time of procrastination when the “after the holidays” mentality begins. The studio may have been better prepared if we had experienced the typical “Fall into Fitness” rush between September and November. Florence robbed GoGirl of that opportunity during it’s first year in business. One hurricane lead to another as the studio entered the worst season of the year already struggling financially.

In the midst of dealing with all of that, between Thanksgiving and New Year I was investing my time in what you see here today; The new site design of Desperately Seeking Slender. December was almost a completely silent month here. Some noticed, some worried. But the silence wasn’t a sign of depression or withdrawal from my readers. It was a sign of strength and courage and me attempting to tackle obstacles, resolve situations and make the future a brighter place.

Fall was full of life circumstances completely beyond my control. Nothing I did or did not do had exacting consequences or would have been change evoking.  In November, the day after Thanksgiving, my employer had no choice other than to lay me off as the General Manager and hope that with the New Year, things start to improve once more.  As a result, I was struggling to survive on a 54% pay cut.

During the holidays I found myself questioning my career choices. Wondering what the future holds and contemplating what changes I could pursue. The winter of 2018 has been a season of uncertainty.  I spent the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas continuing to work twice has hard and just as much as normal, for less than half the pay, hoping that the New Year brings better news for GoGirl and thus, my fitness career, along with it.

If the economic crisis of Hurricane Florence, the financial hurricane at GoGirl and the grief of losing someone that had been so monumental in my life are the obstacles I must overcome for a year that was full of finding myself, finding my voice and finding my heart again, so be it. I’m a resilient little shit.

Maybe even some sugar-free lemon meringue pie, or, better yet, some salted rim lemon drop martinis. 2018 was a year of life gifting me closure. It brought new found love. The support of my friends and clients. It held the re-connection with my Mother that had been stunted since my father passed away. It brought an amazing relationship with my employer. Took me places I had never seen, allowing me to experience things some people only get to dream of.

The end of 2018 isn’t ideal. But, life rarely is ideal. If life seems perfect, someone is probably withholding a lot, embellishing a little and not being quite honest. Social media tends to make everyone else life look dynamic while making our own life tragic. That is one of the main reasons I share as openly and honestly as I do. So that you never get that impression here. My life isn’t perfect. I am not perfect.

For every sweet moment there is a bitter one. With each up there is a down. For ever action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Life is about balance. Apply that every day life. To how your approach fitness, nutrition or wellness. Apply it to how you live your weight loss journey. Balance. This is my goal for 2019. To find more balance in my life. Not in anything specific, but in all things.

To all of you reading this. I wish healthy, happiness and love in the New Year. But more than that, I wish you Balance. Let’s try to find more of that together in the upcoming year.

Pandora Williams author of Desperately Seeking Slender is an ISSA Certified Personal Trainer and Cooper Institute Approved Wellness Coach Trained in Weight Management Strategies. Her training and coaching services are offered exclusively through GoGirl Fitness Studio.