I’m sitting at my computer drinking my re-heated Starbucks Grande Skinny Mocha after finishing up my work out for the night. I’ve got a Turkey Tenderloin in the oven; yeah we eat late here, I work strange hours. I’ll be up all night and well into Saturday morning working on a graphics design project and a new website I’m collaborating on and as usual I find myself inspired by something someone else has posted. Thanks Melting Mama. ( You should follow her and stuff if you don’t already )
Gosh isn’t this the truth?!?
It will hurt: The last two years have been the hardest to years of my life. I’ve had to face so many of my inner demons. It’s been two years of emotional roller coasters with my Family, my Relationships, but most of all, with myself.
When I decided to have my Gastric Bypass in the beginning of 2010 I made a commitment to myself that I would make sure that I used my new tool as best that I could. That I would not let anything stand between me and my goals, that didn’t happen quite the way I intended and life threw me every curve it could, but I’m convinced in the end that these things all made me stronger, more experienced, and more ready to help others on their journey. The one thing I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt is no matter how hard this journey got, I knew the end goal was going to be worth it.
Very early on in my weight loss journey there was a song that I listened to over and over on my playlist. It just resonated with me. I thought I’d share it with you tonight as it still is one of the songs on my playlist for long workouts.
Linkin Park – Somewhere I belong¶
(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all that they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own[Chorus]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belongAnd I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own[Repeat Chorus]
I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I’ll find myself today[Repeat Chorus]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong
This song spoke to me at a time when I hated what I saw in the mirror. During a time when I looked at myself and I saw all the pain and hurt I had created for myself by eating my way to malignant obesity.
Even though I have amazing friends and I am lucky to be loved by the most amazing person in the world… this journey has been very lonely for me, most of the things I have had to face in the last two years, I’ve had to do on my own. There was a part of me for the longest time that resented this, until I realized that really, that was what I needed all along. That doesn’t mean it is what everyone needs, but it is what I personally needed. I’d spent the majority of my life scared of being alone, scared of facing things on my own, and I know that part of the last couple years was life teaching me how to stand on my own two feet and trust myself to do things on my own.
What I find most interesting now, is that in being alone and looking for “Somewhere I belonged,” I found the motivation to try to make sure that if I could prevent anyone else’s journey from being as difficult as mine was, I would.
I’m Pandora. I’m still desperately seeking slender, but I’m starting to realize I belong here. I’ve found my somewhere. It’s right here with you. If you are in that phase where you hate what you see in the mirror, and you are looking for that place you belong, it’s coming I promise… and I’ll do anything I can to help you get there.
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