I’m pretty sure I’m having a semi nervous break down or something equivalent to it in my weight loss journey. I’m sitting here trying to re-gather myself, panting for breath and sniffling uncontrollably with the hiccups after throwing myself on the bed and crying and sobbing in a way I can only recall doing the morning my father died and the first time a boy broke my heart.
Let me rewind for you a second and explain how I got here. As many of you know, I plan to go to Vegas, I got very excited about the whole free plastic surgery consult thing and this morning I was standing in front of the mirror thinking about the things I knew I still wanted to get fixed, and how I was actually planning on waiting another year or so to go forward anymore and give myself a break since it was all such little things when something caught my attention in the mirror. It looked like … hanging skin. On my abdomen, the one I’ve done two plastic surgeries on. Two surgeries that my insurance covered. I started examining myself in the mirror and leaned over and I nearly died as I saw a good two inches of skin fall down as I leaned over.
I closed my eyes at that point and I started trying to ground myself, but I was lost, the panic set in and I was off and running.
When can I schedule a surgery and still maintain my timeline for everything on my calendar between now and August? How would I do this and fit in trying to buy a house? My Family is already getting upset that all things WLS are overtaking my life and having to remind me that I need to step back and take time for my friends and family that are not WLS people. They were relieved to see the major part of this surgery over, can we make it through another major surgery? There has been times that its been a strain on us. Can I afford to do this? I have the room on credit cards we made sure of that all along the way, it would be available if I needed it. But if I did that, what would we live on? Because we ended up supplementing my income most the year with what we didn’t use of the plastic surgery loan so that we could pay the bills. I have to do this. There is no way I can’t do this….
Because the reason I am in this panic, is because this skin to me, represents the people who abused me. When I see it on my body it makes me feel like I am still being haunted by their abuse despite how far I try to get away from it.
If I chose to fix this it will mean my family giving up the shot at a house… for the third time, to give me what I need, first a car, then nearly 2/3 a year off work to have plastic surgery after plastic surgery because they knew how bad I needed to do this emotionally. How can I possible ask that of them. I can’t. I’ll have to wait. And waiting means living with this now everyday when I look in the mirror.
I’m a huge believer in the fact that we are ill prepared for the emotional whirlwind that life gives you after your weight loss journey starts to get you near your goal weight. I’ve made a promise to you all that I will share that journey with you no matter where it takes me, today is truly one of my darkest days.
It is going to take me a few days to get through this and find my center. It’s going to take me getting some sleep, getting up and running and talking to my Dad and sorting through how I will take on this emotional battle I have ahead of me. I’m in tears as I write this part because truly, until this morning I was in a much different place with this, I thought I had lost that haunted feeling when I came out of this last surgery.
I need to catch my breath. But I also need to share and to hear your thoughts and support. I’m hurting and scared and lost. I’ll find my way through though, you’ll see. I’ll be ok. I might be scared, but I am stronger than this too, I know this much for sure.
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